Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Happiness is fleeting

Happiness is fleeting. And positive thinking is likewise making a hasty retreat.

I have been trying – although it’s been a struggle – to think positively about our family building future. And for the most part, it’s been working. I’ve been happier, more cheerful than I have been in a long time.

(Even though the aniiversary of my due date for my first pregnancy is fast approaching. Even though I’m constantly smacked with the realization that I should have a three year old. Even though no one realizes this/cares but me.)

But today, I reverted from Positive Polly to Negative Nelly completely. And what was the catalyst? Some momentous occasion? The arrival of Aunt Flo, perhaps? Oh no, internets, simply a meeting with a local sales rep. A sales rep who happens to have both a healthy three year old, and a healthy newborn. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks: she has conceived, gestated (is that a word?), and given birth to two children, all in the time that it has taken me to fail miserably at having just one.

Sigh. I just can’t believe how quick it can happen, that trip into Grief-ville. One minute – fine. The next minute – hiding in the bathroom so I can cry like a baby in private.

I’m trying to claw my way back to Positive Polly, I just don’t know if I can get there. (See, there I go, being negative again!)

I'll leave you with a quote that I just love (I guess I am truly massive!):

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
-Khalil Gibran


  1. Keep your chin it up sweetheart! I know how hard it is to always be positive and it's okay to fall back here and there and dwell on what could have been...your baby! We all have those days! This is a new cycle with new begining(I always look at a new cycle as a fresh start on trying to get pregnant) and your still trying to adopt right? Biggest hugs to you my friend! :)

    I love the quote!


  2. Oh, i know how that sense of grief out of nowhere can just sneak up on you, day's going fine and then suddenly- WHAM! Sobbing & shaking. I really hope you find your way back to feeling better soon. Excellent quote, I love it. One of my favorites is this: 'Even in the mud & scum of things, there always, always something sings' ~Emerson.

  3. Hi there - just stumbled on your blog post from a fellow bloggers' blog (that was a lot of 'blogs' in one sentence :) - anyhow - I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way - your post is eerily similar to the post I wrote yesterday. As my 1st 'EDD' is approaching at the end of this month, it hit me out of no where yesterday of all the things I won't be doing this month because there is no pregnancy, no baby. I believe that our journey is meant to teach us something about life and love but sometimes, all these shortcuts and detours just plain sucks. Hope you get back to Positive Polly soon ;)


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