Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Helloooooooooo out there!

(Is anyone still out there?!)

I just wanted to pop on, say hi, wish you all a very joyous holiday, and give you a quick update on my crazy life.

I’m still here, but not really. I don’t have a computer at home anymore (ya know, since I left my husband, moved into a craphole apartment on my own, started dating his friend, put my house on the shitty market, got my divorce finalized, and have started to prepare to move in with said boyfriend) so blogging and reading blogs has been tough. I’m hoping to get one soon though so I can share this crazy life with you… I miss this. I miss you.

Anyway, it’s been a crazy year for me. I got smacked in the face by bliss, and it dared me to ignore it and settle back into my comfortable misery. I didn’t, and here I am.

Divorced. Dating an incredible guy with a crazy ex-wife and custody of his two kids. Oh, and a vasectomy. Trying to figure out how we can maybe add another to our lives……
(I’d be thrilled if you left me a comment and said hi!)

Friday, July 8, 2011

what doesn't kill us.....

... I truly hope makes us stronger.

I am sorry to have left you all in the dark for so long, but there have been major happenings in my life lately..... and no, I'm not pregnant. I probably never will be again.

You see, on Thursday I will be moving into my own place.

I no longer love my husband, and realized that I've been staying for the sole purpose of trying to conceive. That isn't fair to anyone. There is more to the story - way more - that I will be sharing in the coming days. I just haven't figured out how to write about it yet.

Perhaps my utesaurus has been a blessing in disguise because as difficult as this situation has been, a child would make it infinitely more complicated.

Bear with me, internetz. I don't know if this is the right place to write about my new life. I'm thinking of leaving this blog up for the semi-fertile masses and starting a new one, but I'm not sure. The only thing I am sure of is that leaving is the right move, for both of us.

Love to you all.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I am filled with wonder when I feel light, airy, alive these days. How, I wonder, could I have spent so long in the dark?

I know that we are at a crossroads. The doctor we will see next month may have answers; he may not. But truthfully, the fact that we have taken IVF - and all of its physical, emotional, and financial tolls - off the table is freeing. I have chosen my path; I wonder why it took so long.

I wonder at the gift of adoption; I don't think I can ever truly understand how strong a woman must be to place her baby in someone else's arms.

And yet, although I KNOW we are on the right path, I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to celebrate someone else's pregnancy. I wonder if the sight of a pregnant belly will always leave me breathless, fighting back tears. I wonder if I will ever finish mourning my babies, and the experiences I never got to have with them: the kicks, the flutter of a heartbeat on an ultrasound screen, that moment after birth of finding my husband's face in theirs.

I wonder.

Friday, April 22, 2011


This week’s list of the GOOD:

1. See previous post – I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my chest. I can breathe again. That desperate feeling is gone. I know that, even if my appointment next month is an Epic Fail, I have an option. An excellent option, which we had always planned to pursue even before the utesaurus reared her ugly head. To be honest, I sort of hope this doctor tells me my case is hopeless, because I am very close to ready to put this horrible chapter of my life behind me. (However, I have not rushed out to pursue any birth control options just yet. I’m not THAT ready. Even though work is still sucky, and I have a bit of anxiety/teariness while here, it’s not as bad as it was earlier in the week.

2. Acupuncture. I had my weekly session, and I think that has helped tremendously with my anxiety. It was like all of those tiny needles hit my reset button; I felt fabulously relaxed when I left. Oh, and my acupuncturist is just awesome. I told her about pregnant chick #2 in my office and she said, “Oh honey, you need to go find an office with all men. Gay men, if possible!” And then we laughed our asses off. I love her.

3. Two Kisses For Maddy by Matt Logelin – I’ve been reading his blog since Maddy was about 6 months old, and I was so excited to get the book. It did not disappoint: I laughed, I cried (sad and happy tears) and plowed through it in a couple of hours. Go Matt!

4. A productive day off – I went to acupuncture and then grocery shopping, I cleaned the house, got all of the laundry done, read a book, and had dinner waiting for Hubby when he got home. Productivity rocks!

5. Water for Elephants was one of my favorite books ever, and Sara Gruen ranks high on the list of authors whose books I devour, so I am SUPER excited to go see the movie tomorrow. Hubby and I are going to have a date night (after working on some long neglected projects around the house), which we rarely do, and have dinner at a nice recent first. Yay for date night!

And there you have it, folks. A rollercoaster of a week for sure, but it’s definitely ending on a high note. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and for those of you celebrating religious holidays, Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

quick change

I swear, if you read this blog regularly you probably think I'm bipolar. This rollercoaster is so damned ridiculous.

After my last post , you might have thought that I had a really shitty day today (pun intended). It certainly started out that way. But then Hubby and I had a text conversation that put a smile on my face all day long.

To make a long story short: we've been having issues with our car for a while now, but since it is paid off we haven't really sought a replacement. Recently we made the decision to take out a 401k loan so that we can trade in our car, get something better, do some home renovations, etc. We got the check yesterday.

But then a strange thing happened - the thought of having that much scratch in our bank account left my mind on only one thing, and it wasn't a car: baby. It seems that my incredible Hubby was on the same wavelength too.

So here's the deal: the money is going to stay put until after our appointment with the NY doctor next month. If all seems hopeless, we're going to start the adoption process. For real this time, since we actually have a large chunk (though not all) of what we'll need. We figure we can save the rest and somehow make it happen. Regardless of how that appointment goes, we'll be on our way to parenthood shortly after.


I am so excited to have something to hope for, to look forward to. Of course, it would be wonderful if we could conceive on our own and then use that money for a new car, a nursery, yadda yadda. But I'll drive that thing until it's a rusted hunk of tin powered Flintstone style if it means I get to be a mommy.
Me, a mommy. Him, a daddy. A family. It almost seems within reach.

Of course, now that I've put this out there, the universe will find some kind of way to fuck everything up, some ridiculous catastrophe that I cannot even begin to imagine. Oh well - at least I've got some of my fight back, along with my smile.

Hope lives.

and so it begins

I started crying 3 blocks from the office, and haven't managed to stop much since.
Oh, and in my no sleep having haze this morning, I grabbed my normal breakfast of greek yogurt. And yep, my intestines revolted, which makes me even more sad.
Am I crying because I can't have babies? Or dairy? I'm not so sure right now.
Sigh. Just gotta make it till 4pm, and then I have tomorrow off. Send me all of your dry eyed strength vibes, if you can.
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I just really hate my life.

I have to work tomorrow (actually, in 5 hours) and I can't sleep. My anxiety level is off the charts right now.

Worse yet, I think I might have become lactose intolerant. (Is it possible to become lactose intolerant after a lifetime love affair with dairy? I'll have to consult Dr. Google...) Today I reached for my favorite foods in an effort to eat my feelings, my favorite foods being cheese and ice cream (not together - that would be weird. Or maybe delicious). And my stomach has been royally fucked up all day. When I tucked into my bowl of Peanut Butter Panic <3 I could literally feel my whole digestive tract protest the first bite, and I've been becoming very well acquainted with my bathroom since.

Of course, I finished the whole bowl in between dashes to the crapper. I don't waste ice cream. That would be silly.

And I have to ask the universe, are you fucking serious?

Please don't take ice cream from me too. And cheese. You've already taken my babies, my dog, bread, pasta, my self esteem, running (for the moment, anyway), my sanity, hope.

Let me keep the fucking ice cream, ya bastard.