I am filled with wonder when I feel light, airy, alive these days. How, I wonder, could I have spent so long in the dark?
I know that we are at a crossroads. The doctor we will see next month may have answers; he may not. But truthfully, the fact that we have taken IVF - and all of its physical, emotional, and financial tolls - off the table is freeing. I have chosen my path; I wonder why it took so long.
I wonder at the gift of adoption; I don't think I can ever truly understand how strong a woman must be to place her baby in someone else's arms.
And yet, although I KNOW we are on the right path, I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to celebrate someone else's pregnancy. I wonder if the sight of a pregnant belly will always leave me breathless, fighting back tears. I wonder if I will ever finish mourning my babies, and the experiences I never got to have with them: the kicks, the flutter of a heartbeat on an ultrasound screen, that moment after birth of finding my husband's face in theirs.