Monday, April 25, 2011


I am filled with wonder when I feel light, airy, alive these days. How, I wonder, could I have spent so long in the dark?

I know that we are at a crossroads. The doctor we will see next month may have answers; he may not. But truthfully, the fact that we have taken IVF - and all of its physical, emotional, and financial tolls - off the table is freeing. I have chosen my path; I wonder why it took so long.

I wonder at the gift of adoption; I don't think I can ever truly understand how strong a woman must be to place her baby in someone else's arms.

And yet, although I KNOW we are on the right path, I wonder if I'll ever truly be able to celebrate someone else's pregnancy. I wonder if the sight of a pregnant belly will always leave me breathless, fighting back tears. I wonder if I will ever finish mourning my babies, and the experiences I never got to have with them: the kicks, the flutter of a heartbeat on an ultrasound screen, that moment after birth of finding my husband's face in theirs.

I wonder.


  1. Hi Wifey,
    I am SO glad that you have made this decision and are feeling so positive. It is great to see and hear it. (IF ONLY we had this option in Australia).

    As far as the pregnancy issue goes, I felt that I would mourn the loss of the physical experience of it and then move on. The fact that we would be parents and have a child to love/raise as our own far outweighed the fact that I wouldn't be able to experience pregnancy myself.

    Wishing you all the best,

  2. I have those same thoughts everyday. My first meeting is this Wednesday and I'm almost as scared as I am excited. My wish is that once *my* baby is placed in my arms...peace will come. I have to hold on to that.

  3. Amen.

    My current thought is that although one may still mourn the nine months of pregnancy... They are quickly overshadowed by the years of memories in your child's life. The aches of the missed memories are not gone, but are smaller in scale than the mountain of memories you will have.

  4. I think the scars of what you have been through will always be there, but if you are feeling better that is great! Take care :)

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  6. I am so glad that you are at a place of contentment. Sometimes just having a plan can really take the pressure off of you.

    I know you won't be making your decision until after your Dr's appointment, but I know that when the time comes, either way you will be fine. And you WILL be a parent.

    As far as mourning the loss of actually carrying your child - I think it is very common early in the adoption process. After we gave up on a bio child and decided to pursue adoption, I had to take some time to come to terms with not every being pregnant. After some soul searching (and quite a few tears), I realized in my heart that it didn't matter if I actually felt the baby move, as long as I got to nurture it and care for it and love it. Take the time you need to come to terms with it and don't feel like it is weird to think about those things after making the decision to possibly move on.

    Can't wait to hear which direction you will be heading on your path to parenthood.

  7. I'm so proud of you, I just can't explain it.

    Just take things slowly. You will experience all sorts of emotions with this.

    But to switch paths is amazing. All I can say is that once I made the switch, that light airy feeling started to hang around more and more. It provides hope and a guarantee that we've never had before.

    I can't speak about the future. But I do know that the pain has lessened. I've mourned my babes and am starting to envision the one that WILL be in my arms. And boy does it feel good to leave that dark place.

    Being in the driver's seat feels amazing. ;)

  8. Beautiful post! I'm so happy for you!!

  9. Hi there... You've been quiet for some time now and I just wanted to check in and see how you are. Warm thoughts and wishes are being sent your way...

  10. Before entering this community I never realized how many women have negative reactions to a big full pregnant belly. You are so not alone. While I do have a living child, I do still find myself flinching at the sight. My son died in utero at the end, so anytime I see a prego lady I wonder if something tragic will happen at the very last week or so of her pregnancy. So morbid. It's the "new normal" I suppose. Maybe people like myself should just be blacklisted from babyshowers. *hugs*

  11. Haven't seen a post in a while - not trying to be naggy, but just wondering how you are and hoping all is well with you.