Wednesday, April 13, 2011

the weight of it all

So, as I mentioned in my inaugural TGIMFF post, I have an appointment in May with a specialist in NY. This doctor was the first to perform IVF in New York, and now mostly encourages more conservative fertility treatments. He believes that IVF is necessary for some, but way over recommended, and that there are other methods to bring a woman's body into balance. His specialty is - get this - RPL! At worst, his methods could prepare me to be in the best physical condition possible for IVF, if it comes to that.

For a few weeks now, I've been collecting my medical records from the various doctors I've seen since this whole nightmare began just over 5 years ago. I had all of the records sent to me so that I could keep a copy for myself, because I like the self abuse involved in reading through all of them. Anyway, after 8 failed pregnancies I have quite the stack of records. Several trees died to make that happen. (Great. Now I feel guilty for killing trees and babies).

And you know, it's all been weighing on me a bit. This doctor is kind of my last hope for a successful pregnancy. I don't think I have much more trying left in me, unless we can find something else to fix. I'm starting to feel Einsteinially insane, in the whole "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" kind of way. I want to hope, but I'm afraid to all at the same time.

Anyway, I mailed out the packet at the post office substation in the grocery store across the street from my office. I'm in there a lot, and the workers can be VERY nosy. "Oh, an avocado? I like them but I can't get my husband to eat them..... Oh, a pregnancy test! Which outcome do you want?" And so on.

So of course today, the clerk asked "What the heck is in here? It's so heavy!" My heart trembled because I wanted to tell her off, to let her know that she was holding the weight of eight dead babies in her hands, the weight of a million shattered dreams and more tears than can be counted, but instead I gave her a warning look. She persisted, so I answered "Medical records." "Oh," she said. "Why are you sending your medical records to New York?"

(She read the label, which clearly indicated a fertility clinic, but wanted to grill me anyway.)

So I answered "None of your fucking business" and gave her a sweet smile as I paid.

Fuck nosy people. If you can't help me shoulder this load, you don't deserve a peephole into my heart and all of the weight it's been crushed by. (Present company excluded, of course!)


  1. I am so sorry. Not just for nosy clerk at the store, but for the feelings that those medical records brought about.

    Having all of those medical records in hand had to be overwhelming for you. And I am sure that feeling as if the packet was the weight of your eight little ones didn't help the sitauation at all.

    I am very hopeful that the specialist in NY will be able to shed some light on your situation and will help you get the answers you so desperately need and deserve.

    Maybe April Medical Records brings May Treatments!

  2. I hate nosy clerks, and that one was definitely out of line. (*hugs*) I can't imagine how it must have felt to hold and see your records, I only have my notes and personal records and sometimes the weight of that is crushing enough :( Thinking of you, I really hope the specialist in NY can help you.

  3. probably stabbing her with a pen may have been better?

  4. I'm looking forward to hearing how your appointment goes in May; I hope he has some answers for you! I'm sorry about that rude clerk - I don't know what's wrong with people. Your response did make me laugh - she deserved it.

  5. love the answer.
    hate that she picked at the scabs on your heart.
    hugs, friend.

  6. Her question... shitty.
    Your response... priceless.

    Sorry you had to go through that.
    All the best on your journey.

  7. I had one of those moments today...finally saying exactly what was on my mind. Felt fantastic. Nosy people suck. Good on you for telling her to fuck off :)

  8. Good on you, that was a spectacular response!

  9. YAY! You were more confident in this situation than I would have been, good on you :) I'm sure the medical records would have been just crushing to read through, but definitely hoping something good comes out of them. Take care & you know where to find me!

  10. I feel your pain with the medical records. I hope this doctor in NY has the golden ticket answer (then maybe you could share it?)
    ...that's the JOY in living where we do :( Nosy people!

  11. Good for you, with your answer to that nosy bitch. I love to make people uncomfortable by telling them about my miscarriages. The doctor in NY sounds great. I hope you get some answers.

  12. Love the response!

    I'm all for the smart-ass reply as well.

    "Why am I sending these? Oh, because all the doctors around here say that I (air quotes)'have' a highly contagious, incurable disease. I can't believe they want me to wear a mask everywhere I go. That's ridiculous, right? (ha ha) I mean, the diarrhea I can live with in private, ya know? But the masks are just a bit to public for my liking. (ACHOO!)And man, my hands were SO DRY from washing them all the time, that I just gave up! What about my quality of life, here? Doctors. What can ya do?"

  13. I LOVE that you told her to stick it!!!

    I feel the same way about my file. I don't have everything, but the one at the clinc that HUGE. It's like our lifestory in be treasured and cried over.

    Sooooo hoping that this new doc can provide some answers and hope.