Thursday, December 31, 2009


Some crazy thoughts run through my head these days.

Lately, I'm stuck on one point: Hubby.

I just love that man so damned much. Nothing, NOTHING in the universe could make me happier than being able to carry his child to term. Of course, it looks like that will probably never happen.

And adoption is great - truly it is, and I am excited to be moving forward, even if it is one baby step at a time - but I think I will always mourn not being able to give him a biological child.

He claims he doesn't care, that he loves me despite my faulty parts, and that even if we remain a fmaily of two forever, he'll be happy.

I think he's just too sweet to say otherwise.

I carry such a weight of guilt around with me. He deserves more, you know? Watching him over Christmas with the kids in my family was so hard.

So here's my confession: sometimes, I fantasize that he leaves me, knocks up some fertile chick, and has the family he should have. I'll always be damaged goods, but at least if he left me and made a life for himself I could let go of all of that guilt, gather up my shattered soul, and slink off somewhere.

Of course, I don't think he'd ever leave me. And I certainly would never leave him. So here we'll be, with me bowed down by guilt and grief and the fear that someday, he'll get tired of having a wife who cries everyday and can't make babies.

2010 can only be better right?

Side note: I'm starting the downward slide again. I can feel it happening, the tears coming more frequently, the heavy heart, my mouth turned into a frown more and more often. And today, I'm at work, and will have to deal with a gloriously pregnant client. Sometimes, I really hate life.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

dolla dolla bill y'all

Today, Hubby is putting in the paperwork to get our adoption savings account opened through his employer. We can contribute $10,000 pre-tax in 2010.

Hubby wants to max it out, which would equal approximately $833 per month.

We can afford it (just barely) but it leaves us NO wiggle room in the monthly budget.

The catch is that that money HAS to be used for adoption related expenses in 2010 or we’ll have to pay the taxes. I don’t know if we’ll be able to get the rest of the funds together in a year.

I should be happy about this, right? Hubby is taking initiative, and making a major financial decision without stressing me out over it. He’s getting the ball rolling on moving forward with adoption.

So why did I spend the morning crying? Why does this whole scenario scare the shit out of me? Why does it feel like giving up on me ever staying pregnant?

It feels like starting out on this road again is just opening more doors into the unknown. I don’t handle uncertainty well.

In my head, I’m stomping my feet like a two year old and whining that it’s not fair, NOT FAIR, that I want it all, that I don’t want to have to choose between adoption and IVF, that I don’t want to put myself in the poorhouse just to have a child when crackheads pop them out every day.

On my face is my work smile, professional and detached, despite the tears that keep settling into my eyes.

We’ll see, I guess.

Friday, December 25, 2009


One year ago today, I posted my very first blog post, as I was recovering from surgery and feeling less than celebratory.

I'm feeling slightly less antisocial this year, but just slightly. I'm definitely thinking Mexico or Dominican Republic next year (unless, of course, I get pregnant with a keeper, but we all know that's about as likely as pigs flying).

I've been reflecting a lot about the transformation that I've been undergoing, due in no small part to the ALI blogging community, and I will write more after we get back to the frozen tundra we call home.

For now, Merry Whatever to all and Happy Blogoversary to me!

Friday, December 18, 2009

one year

One year ago, at this moment, I was waking up from the surgery to remove Cletus from my tube.

That pregnancy, and it's aftermath, was rock bottom for me, both emotionally and physically.

I'm not sure why that loss stands out as so traumatic amongst so many others, but I think the timing (right around Christmas, when I had had another miscarriage two years before on Christmas Day) combined with the fact that it was my only pregnancy to have appropriately rising betas - my only pregnancy to have hope. I was convinced that something was wrong, despite my doctor's assurances, and insisted on an early ultrasound.

I thought we wouldn't see anything at all, that my uterus would appear as that familiar empty blackness on the ultrasound screen.

I never thought we'd see a baby - okay, an embryo, but developing! as it should! - in the wrong place. I never thought I'd have to have a doctor cut my baby out of me, ending his doomed life.

All of my worst fears were confirmed - it seemed as if every. possible. thing. that could go wrong on our journey would. It seemed as if we would never see daylight again.

From that moment of darkness, over the past year, I have been climbing towards the light, trying to fix myself. Trying to live. I finally feel as if I'll be okay, no matter what.

But I am still crying a little today, remembering what could have been. Oh Cletus, you changed me, so deeply. I'll never forget you. I wish I had gotten to hold you, just once.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Yesterday, my acupuncturist told me that I am blossoming. The more I think about it, the more I realize how perfectly that word captures where I am: figuring out how to be the new me, the woman who has come to terms with loss and the death of dreams, and still live. I am entering a new phase, one filled with happiness and hope but also acceptance of the reality of our situation.

I still hope, but I know that in fact we may never become parents.

Pregnancy doesn't seem to work for us. Adoption isn't heartbreak and hurdle free, either.

I am figuring out how to be okay with whatever the future holds.

I am blossoming. I hope I can be beautiful.

Saturday, December 12, 2009


I can't sleep. I thought I'd pass the time by giving you a snapshot of different things that are going on in my life (I know, I know, you all have been at the edge of your seats wondering....) since it's not like I have to take care of a baby.....


I have had six weekly acupuncture sessions, with at least two more to go. I have to say, mentally/spiritually/emotionally I've been feeling better than I have in a super duper long time, and I think that acupuncture is playing a large role in my well being.

In the veterinary field, acupuncture is a proven therapy for certain conditions. The success of our patients with acupuncture makes me a believer in it's power, since dogs and cats are immune to the placebo effect. When we saw a dog with back problems who could hardly even walk, even with the aid of powerful pharmaceuticals, come bounding into the office after a couple of acupuncture sessions, I was sold. There's also a lot of data out there regarding acupuncture's success in getting breech babies to turn, so clearly the techniques do something to the uterus/pelvic area.

I was so nervous before my first appointment. I really had no idea what to expect, but I dutifully filled out all of the paperwork I was supposed to bring in with me (the medical questionaire was 8 pages long!). And after we sat and discussed my reproductive history, my acupuncturist reached out, grabbed my hand and said "I'm really glad you came to see me. I think I can help you," which gave me chills. She is absolutely wonderful, warm and caring, and she has made me feel like I am finally being completely taken care of.

The sessions are the highlight of my week. I leave feeling relaxed, confident in my abilities to handle anything that might befall me as I stumble toward motherhood. My perspective changes after each appointment.

She has made several recommendations: first and foremost, that I be tested for gluten and wheat sensitivity. She said that she has only ever seen one person with a clotting disorder who did not have an underlying gluten issue. I have not gotten the test results back yet, but I have been gluten free for about 3 weeks now and I am really pleased - I have a rash on my legs that has not responded to any treatment so far but seems to be clearing up now. My brother in law, who is a med student, said they've been learning all about the skin issues associated with gluten intolerance and how they are often misdiagnosed. Hubby has been gluten free as well, and he is free of his usual intestinal distress. It's a pain sometimes to not just be able to eat what everyone else is eating, but it's worth it.

She has also recommended that I meet with a perinatologist to get her recommendations for future pregnancies and possible further testing. I'll need to have a relationship with a perinatologist if I ever get out of the first trimester anyway, so that is definitely going to happen (but after the holidays, when life returns to a slower pace).

Anyway, the long and short of it is, I love acupuncture. I don't know if it will help me get/stay pregnant, but it has done wonders for my mental state and outlook for the future. It's definitely the best investment I've made in myself in a long time.


I'm not quite sure when I ovulated, but I am either 12 or 13 dpo. I'm not having pregnancy symptoms, but I'm not having PMS symptoms either, which is beyond weird. I am not stressing about this cycle though - it is what it is. I've tested several times (even though I'm not stressing - I'm an addict!) and have gotten BFNs. We'll see. Hubby is travelling again next week, when Aunt Flow is due to arrive (sometimes I think he does that on purpose!) so hopefully my solid mental state holds up.

Friends and Kinfolk

I'll be going to visit my family in NYC for Christmas. Our original plan was to boycott Christmas and hide out somewhere warm, but I got suckered into it. I always feel like a failure when I go home - I am the only kid from my generation who has not reproduced. I have always envisioned myself getting on the plane with our baby, introducing our baby to my family, celebrating my baby's first Christmas with them, etc. Every time I go home without said kid, I am reminded of my failure. I hope I can actually enjoy myself.

Hubby's family has been driving me crazy, as usual. They cannot accept that we won't be celebrating Christmas with them, so we'll be having four Christmases this year.

Our friend M is due in March, and is quite popping right now. She looks so stinking cute. Every time I see her I look at my own flat-ish, unmarred-by-stretchmarks belly and feel a twinge of sadness, jealousy, whatever. I haven't cried about it (yet), though.

Our friend A got married just before Halloween. I saw her this past weekend, and in the course of the conversation, she said "Well, we're going to have children soon." As if it were a fact, a given, a right. I didn't say anything, but I should have. I should have let my bitter out, and schooled her on the reality of infertility, especially since she engages in some activities that are not recommended for people trying to get pregnant. Oh, who am I kidding, she'll get knocked up on the first try.


We got buried - almost 18 inches of the fresh stuff. My Hubby and I got to have a nice snow day on Wednesday. Now we just have to clean it up. Damn, we need to have kids so we can train them to shovel, while we watch through the windows with a warm cup of cocoa in hand. It took Hubby almost 3 hours to clear our driveway with a snowblower, and there's more to go.

I hope everyone is doing well and sleeping on schedule!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

out of character

I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but I've been doing things that would have been way outside my comfort zone even six months ago. Holiday parties attended by preggos. Family gatherings full of babies. Nosing around online for Christmas gifts for our new niece. Looking at maternity clothing, and hoping. All of these, even, with very few tears.

And it scares the ever loving shit out of me.

The holidays are always so fraught with delicate situations, conversations, and emotions, and I usually find no joy whatsoever in all of the hooplah. Have you seen that Kay Jewellers commercial? You know, the one with the couple with the new baby, talking about how it would be their first Christmas as a family? Uggh. That message, that hidden message that if you are, in fact, not parents, you do not qualify as a family - it's everywhere. It sickens me that people so whole heartedly buy into it. It sickens me that I buy into it.

And while all of the feelings of exclusion and loss and grief and uncertainty and anger are still there, they do not bubble to the surface nearly as often. They no longer cripple me. I am sort of puzzled by this, but thankful just the same. Could it be the acupuncture? The exercise? Whatever. It's working.

I'm waiting, though, for the inevitable tide. The straw, if you will, to break my camel of a back. I know it will happen - all of these emotions will churn to the surface, and soon, I will lose my shit.

I just hope that when it happens, I can get my shit back again, and quickly.


Yesterday I received a special package in the mail from Christa, with a lovely angel wing ornament.

The card read "In memory of your babies/Please place upon your tree/This golden pair of Angel's Wings/In hopes they bring you peace."

So sweet. Thank you so much, Christa.

(We don't have a tree this year but I wanted someplace pretty to put the wings so I decorated our mantle.)

Made me smile despite my grinch-like heart :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

I feel like a woman....

So after all of these years of trying to get pregnant, getting pregnant, losing pregnancies, I've finally done it....

No, I'm not knocked up, sillies. I have my very first urinary tract infection!

(Disclaimer: If you are related to me, or the thought of me having sex somehow makes you squeamish, please read no further. There really will be TMI in this post. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!)

So, I ovulated Monday or Tuesday. According to biological imperative, we had a fun filled, sex filled weekend which even involved a trip to the local adult superstore. It was pretty awesome, and it didn't feel like that forced, we-have-to-do-it-now baby making sex. It felt like hot monkey loving. I hope it makes a baby.

And now I have a UTI. I have to say, not fun. And I really want to punch the people who call my office to say that their pet is peeing blood but they don't think it's an emergency. Umm, trust me, if your pet is peeing blood, he/she is in pain. He/she may not show it, because animals don't show pain like we do, but seriously. fucking. painful.

I was the problem patient for the doctor and pharmacy yesterday - I can't swallow pills AND I might be very barely pregnant, so the med choice became difficult. Good times.

And I thought that a miscarriage was the only bad thing that could come out of a weekend of sex.