dolla dolla bill y'all

Today, Hubby is putting in the paperwork to get our adoption savings account opened through his employer. We can contribute $10,000 pre-tax in 2010.

Hubby wants to max it out, which would equal approximately $833 per month.

We can afford it (just barely) but it leaves us NO wiggle room in the monthly budget.

The catch is that that money HAS to be used for adoption related expenses in 2010 or we’ll have to pay the taxes. I don’t know if we’ll be able to get the rest of the funds together in a year.

I should be happy about this, right? Hubby is taking initiative, and making a major financial decision without stressing me out over it. He’s getting the ball rolling on moving forward with adoption.

So why did I spend the morning crying? Why does this whole scenario scare the shit out of me? Why does it feel like giving up on me ever staying pregnant?

It feels like starting out on this road again is just opening more doors into the unknown. I don’t handle uncertainty well.

In my head, I’m stomping my feet like a two year old and whining that it’s not fair, NOT FAIR, that I want it all, that I don’t want to have to choose between adoption and IVF, that I don’t want to put myself in the poorhouse just to have a child when crackheads pop them out every day.

On my face is my work smile, professional and detached, despite the tears that keep settling into my eyes.

We’ll see, I guess.