Some crazy thoughts run through my head these days.
Lately, I'm stuck on one point: Hubby.
I just love that man so damned much. Nothing, NOTHING in the universe could make me happier than being able to carry his child to term. Of course, it looks like that will probably never happen.
And adoption is great - truly it is, and I am excited to be moving forward, even if it is one baby step at a time - but I think I will always mourn not being able to give him a biological child.
He claims he doesn't care, that he loves me despite my faulty parts, and that even if we remain a fmaily of two forever, he'll be happy.
I think he's just too sweet to say otherwise.
I carry such a weight of guilt around with me. He deserves more, you know? Watching him over Christmas with the kids in my family was so hard.
So here's my confession: sometimes, I fantasize that he leaves me, knocks up some fertile chick, and has the family he should have. I'll always be damaged goods, but at least if he left me and made a life for himself I could let go of all of that guilt, gather up my shattered soul, and slink off somewhere.
Of course, I don't think he'd ever leave me. And I certainly would never leave him. So here we'll be, with me bowed down by guilt and grief and the fear that someday, he'll get tired of having a wife who cries everyday and can't make babies.
2010 can only be better right?
Side note: I'm starting the downward slide again. I can feel it happening, the tears coming more frequently, the heavy heart, my mouth turned into a frown more and more often. And today, I'm at work, and will have to deal with a gloriously pregnant client. Sometimes, I really hate life.