Thursday, December 31, 2009


Some crazy thoughts run through my head these days.

Lately, I'm stuck on one point: Hubby.

I just love that man so damned much. Nothing, NOTHING in the universe could make me happier than being able to carry his child to term. Of course, it looks like that will probably never happen.

And adoption is great - truly it is, and I am excited to be moving forward, even if it is one baby step at a time - but I think I will always mourn not being able to give him a biological child.

He claims he doesn't care, that he loves me despite my faulty parts, and that even if we remain a fmaily of two forever, he'll be happy.

I think he's just too sweet to say otherwise.

I carry such a weight of guilt around with me. He deserves more, you know? Watching him over Christmas with the kids in my family was so hard.

So here's my confession: sometimes, I fantasize that he leaves me, knocks up some fertile chick, and has the family he should have. I'll always be damaged goods, but at least if he left me and made a life for himself I could let go of all of that guilt, gather up my shattered soul, and slink off somewhere.

Of course, I don't think he'd ever leave me. And I certainly would never leave him. So here we'll be, with me bowed down by guilt and grief and the fear that someday, he'll get tired of having a wife who cries everyday and can't make babies.

2010 can only be better right?

Side note: I'm starting the downward slide again. I can feel it happening, the tears coming more frequently, the heavy heart, my mouth turned into a frown more and more often. And today, I'm at work, and will have to deal with a gloriously pregnant client. Sometimes, I really hate life.


  1. I understand what you're saying about what you want to give DH and how you feel guilty. I know that somewhere, deep down, that you know it's not something you should feel guilty about, but those thoughts often get clouded by the sadness, which is completely understandable.

    DH wants you though. And if you travel further down the adoption path, that's what the two of you would both want. You have to trust that he's ok with things and that he's being honest with you. Believe me, I get worried about the very things that you have said and get down about them too. I just have to try to reinforce in my mind in those moments of clarity that DH loves me and that things will be ok.

    And yes, 2010 will be better. MUCH better. (((HUGS)))

  2. I can tell you're hurting, you post is so sad. I'm sorry you are feeling bad. I can't really imagine since we are not even able to get pregnant. So I cant imagine having 7 losses. I think it's common to have these thoughts while healing.

    I really hope 2010 is better, for both of us. I was trying to do a year in review post for my blog and I cant even find enough happy things to post about! Just a bad year all around.

  3. Thank you for being so honest about what you're going through and for putting your feelings out here. I relate to the guilt you feel, wanting to "give" your husband a child and not being able to. For what it's worth, I think your feelings aren't crazy - they are your feelings and they are real. You have been through so much, things few can truly understand. You're still breathing, your husband sounds wonderful, and eventually, you will feel better. I promise.

  4. I'm so sorry you're hurting, lady. This post made me ache so fiercely for you.

    It's different for me since I married my hubby while I was pg (hubby adopted out son) but even still, I know that he'll NEVER (short of a divorce or my death--both of which are highly unlikely, or so I hope) have a bio child anywhere in this world. After our son was born, I thought about it a LOT. But FWIW, after we adopted our daughter in 2007, I never felt that way ever again. But that's just me.

    I hope 2010 is the most amazing year ever for you. <3

  5. I'm so sorry you are hitting a rough patch. I know that feeling all too well. I too have had that very same fantasy many, many times!

    I hope 2010 rocks your socks in a fabulous, life-fulfilling sort of way.

  6. I understand how you feel. After our first loss I told my husband I understood if he just wanted to leave me because I have SO MANY broken parts, not just infertility. It took me quite a while (like years) to realize that he just accepts me as I am and he would never leave me broken or not.

    Thank you for the sweet message I know it must be hard. Please let me know if their is ANYTHING I can do for you. Lunch or Dinner sometime soon?