Friday, December 18, 2009

one year

One year ago, at this moment, I was waking up from the surgery to remove Cletus from my tube.

That pregnancy, and it's aftermath, was rock bottom for me, both emotionally and physically.

I'm not sure why that loss stands out as so traumatic amongst so many others, but I think the timing (right around Christmas, when I had had another miscarriage two years before on Christmas Day) combined with the fact that it was my only pregnancy to have appropriately rising betas - my only pregnancy to have hope. I was convinced that something was wrong, despite my doctor's assurances, and insisted on an early ultrasound.

I thought we wouldn't see anything at all, that my uterus would appear as that familiar empty blackness on the ultrasound screen.

I never thought we'd see a baby - okay, an embryo, but developing! as it should! - in the wrong place. I never thought I'd have to have a doctor cut my baby out of me, ending his doomed life.

All of my worst fears were confirmed - it seemed as if every. possible. thing. that could go wrong on our journey would. It seemed as if we would never see daylight again.

From that moment of darkness, over the past year, I have been climbing towards the light, trying to fix myself. Trying to live. I finally feel as if I'll be okay, no matter what.

But I am still crying a little today, remembering what could have been. Oh Cletus, you changed me, so deeply. I'll never forget you. I wish I had gotten to hold you, just once.


  1. I'll be thinking of you today and on Christmas and sending you some love.

  2. :( Can't imagine the feelings.

    I hope you will find blessings this Christmas in the mist of the anniversary of your loss.

  3. Praying that you continue to climb higher and higher. You have amazing strength!

  4. Sending so much love to you across the wires...

    *hugs* I'll light a candle for you Cletus tonight. <3

  5. You're in my thoughts today and in the days that come. (((HUGS)))

  6. I'm so sorry.

    I hope you find some time for reflection during the craziness that is Christmas and that that reflection brings you some peace.


  7. sending you hugs, good thoughts, and some healing thoughts thrown in for good measure.

  8. What a horrible day. I am so sorry. Sounds like Friday sucked for both of us. We can cry together. Our babies share a birthday. I hope they are friends in Heaven.

  9. I'll be thinking of you this holiday season.

  10. Wifey,
    thanks for visiting my blog. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this horrible stuff. It just feels so unfair. It's good though, that you feel you are healing and moving forward. I'm always reading here, just so you know!

  11. Dear Wifey,

    I came here through LFCA.
    I am so very, deeply sorry for your losses. I had one, and can't possible imagine how strong you must be to go through so many...

    I am very sorry Cletus did not make it to see the light of day - surly the world would have been a better place with this little soul in it.

    I have been reading your blog for a while, and must confess that there is one point where I can understand you completely - your pain-in-laws. My MIL (from hell, as I fondly refer to her) is a stupid, mean, evil and malvolent piece of work. And I do not use these words lightly, trust me. To give you just an example of stupidity, she asked us yesterday 'when does Christmas fall over where you are?' - see, we live in Germany, and she lives in Eastern Europe. And this is the woman who answers every piece of info anyone tells her with a smug 'Yes, I know'. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I am not going into how she encouraged my husband of five months to cheat on me, or how she told him I am fat, lazy and mean, unlike her, who is a real woman (yeah, I know, WTF big time, I don't even wanna go deeper into that), and so on.
    Now that I am pregnant again, and unjustly steel the attention from her, she decided to play the 'extremely ill' card - she called the ambulance because she had a headache...

    Stay strong, as strong as you can. I hope you have peaceful holidays. Thinking of you,


  12. Came to you through LFCA.

    I'm sorry. Sending hugs and great thoughts your way.