Tuesday, December 8, 2009

out of character

I'm not sure what's gotten into me lately, but I've been doing things that would have been way outside my comfort zone even six months ago. Holiday parties attended by preggos. Family gatherings full of babies. Nosing around online for Christmas gifts for our new niece. Looking at maternity clothing, and hoping. All of these, even, with very few tears.

And it scares the ever loving shit out of me.

The holidays are always so fraught with delicate situations, conversations, and emotions, and I usually find no joy whatsoever in all of the hooplah. Have you seen that Kay Jewellers commercial? You know, the one with the couple with the new baby, talking about how it would be their first Christmas as a family? Uggh. That message, that hidden message that if you are, in fact, not parents, you do not qualify as a family - it's everywhere. It sickens me that people so whole heartedly buy into it. It sickens me that I buy into it.

And while all of the feelings of exclusion and loss and grief and uncertainty and anger are still there, they do not bubble to the surface nearly as often. They no longer cripple me. I am sort of puzzled by this, but thankful just the same. Could it be the acupuncture? The exercise? Whatever. It's working.

I'm waiting, though, for the inevitable tide. The straw, if you will, to break my camel of a back. I know it will happen - all of these emotions will churn to the surface, and soon, I will lose my shit.

I just hope that when it happens, I can get my shit back again, and quickly.


  1. I could have written your post myself. I'm feeling the same way (well, on the inside). I'm not quite as brave as you, being around preggo people and all, but reading your post gives me hope that I'll get there sometime soon.

    FWIW, I think that whole idea of you aren't a "family" without a child is shit. Those Kay Jewelers ads annoy the shit out of me.

  2. I've claimed my status as a family. We deserve it.

  3. i hate that commercial everytime it comes i have to change the channel.

    hope it gets better for you.

    and i dont think you have to have kids to be a fmaily c & I have a wonderful family at the moment just me and him.

  4. Hi there, came here via Cross Pollination and saw that you didn't get matched so I thought I'd stop by and say hey. Your post really resonated with me, especially when you mentioned the Kay Jewelers ad. And you know, it's ok if things bubble to the surface, but it's great to be a state where perhaps it's not bubbling as often, or as hot.

  5. I hate those Kay Jewelers commercials. They really are terrible. Especially THAT one (as if you are not a family until you have a baby - ugh).

    I am glad that these holidays seem to be going better than in the past. I really hope that you avoid the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back and are able to enjoy this time.

  6. Holidays are hard since the giggly family shite is rammed down everybody's throats.

    I hope this time of year is not too rough.



  7. Hi there. I think I might have stumbled across your blog while reading someone else's but I can't remember whose. Anyway, I see we have a large thing in common: 7 pregnancies and no live births. Just wanted to send commiserations to a fellow RPLer and wish you all the best for holding your shit together over the silly season. It ain't easy. Glad that acupuncture and exercise are helping ease the load. Yoga and meditation ease mine - whatever works, do it.

    I'll be back to delve further into your posts after Xmas. xx