Monday, April 18, 2011

it's a 3 post kind of day

I need to write to process what I am feeling right now. It's the only way I know how.

Discouraged. Fearful. Wounded. Disappointed in  myself.

How can I literally go from feeling good and optimistic about life to..... this horrible low in just a few hours, triggered by just a few words?

This familiar place, with all the scabs ripped off of my oozing soul and all hope drained away - I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want the journey to this place to happen in a flash.

I've climbed the walls out of this dark place so many times, inching my way back into the light. So arduous, every time. I thought the situation with the Belly was a real breakthrough for me. And then a few words from my coworker - "I'm pregnant. About four weeks."

That's all it took to erase weeks of hard work, of willing myself to live life, to love life no matter what.

Why does SHE get to have this, when she never wanted kids? How can she even think of telling people this early, as if it's guaranteed that nothing will go wrong? (But of course it won't, because I've been taking the statistical bullet for everyone I know since 2006). Whose cruel joke am I the butt of? Why can't I just be fucking happy for her?

The truth of it is that I am tired of clawing my way back from here. I am scared that my whole life will be a series of horrible downs followed by a long fight back to a brief reprieve in the light. That I will hide from pregnancies and babies forever, the reminders of what I cannot have, and become some sort of reclusive freak.

I'm just tired. I'm running out of fight. I hate that my soul is so easily shattered. I hate crying in the bathroom at work, and watching my funny, gregarious, friendly and loving parts die a slow death.

I don't know what to do.


  1. I feel ya. This sucks. I am in denial that my younger brother and his wife are pregnant and one of my best friends and his gf of 5 minutes. My friend didn't even want kids.

    I don't know what to tell you except that you are awesome and are bringing encouragement to so many of us infertiles.

  2. I totally understand. I don't understand how this all works either. I am sick of hearing about announcements and celebrations while being left on the roadside with a broken heart. This totally sucks and I wish I could make it better for us. I'm just so sorry.

  3. I hear ya. I had just decided to use my best friend's pregnancy "as a part of my healing" (important since her due date was mere days from when my first's would have been) when I found out that a couple who can't afford top ramen gleefully and ever so tactlessly announced to us that they were expecting and were 5 whole weeks along. They just had that baby a few weeks ago and in the meantime we've had two more losses. Not. Fair.

    I'm trusting that we're in the proverbial one-step-back part of this. Sending strong thoughts your way tonight.

  4. I can completely relate to all that you've said and it's terrible to know that someone else is feeling that pain. It's just horrible. I always felt like I would make such progress (therapy, meds, time) and then poof! All of a sudden it was gone.

    I wish that I had answers, but know that I get it.

    You're in my thoughts.