Tuesday, March 29, 2011


No, I'm not wasted right now (though I'd like to be. If any of y'all want to come over for a drink let me know!)

For the last few months I've been on an upswing, figuring things out, trying to figure ME out. I've been too busy to let the siren song of the dark reach me (or, more likely, ignoring the fact that a foray into the dark is inevitable by sticking my fingers in my ears and shouting "Nananananananana I can't hear you!"). Of course, I've had some bad moments, some minor down ticks in the upswing, but they were brief, usually tied to the post-ovulation/pre-menstrual phase of my cycle, predictable. A small crevasse, if you will, easily scaled.

But right now, I'm in the motherfucking Grand Canyon.

I don't know how I got here. I think it started with the advent of the birthing season. Like cats all over, my friends - both on the internets and IRL - are having babies. Or getting ready to pop. Or celebrating 1st birthday parties. And all of these things bring events that highlight how different, how damaged I am: baby showers, hospital visits, welcoming parties, 1st birthday parties. I want to be ok enough to do these things, to socialize, but instead I either don't go or don't get invited.

I am so isolated, and I know it's mostly my own doing.

I was thinking about what I want the outcome of my story to be: adoption? miraculous natural pregnancy? ART? living childfree?   I can't answer that because what I want can't be.

I want none of this to ever have happened. I want to be normal, and happy. I want to still have friends.

I want the last five years to never have happened.

I hate my life.

PS - just logged on to FB to find this gem of a status update: "There comes a point in your life when FUN no longer means bar hopping, clubbing, being out til 4am or drinking too much. It means movies, family dinners, kid activities, bedtime stories, and 8pm bedtimes. Becoming a parent doesn't change you, it makes you realize that the little people you created deserve the best of your free time! I am PROUD to be a parent and LOVE my "Boring" life"

I wish people like that would STFU. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE that life too, but since it's not going to happen for me, sometimes I do drink too much, stay out really late, bar hop and club hop, trying to forget that I have an empty house and empty arms.


  1. (*HUGS*) Damn, how I can relate to this. I've been in the grand canyon of grief a lot lately, and made worse by pregnancies and feeling isolated... just sad, bitter, and so so lonely.

    Many more hugs, and know that I'm thinking of you.

  2. I can really relate to this. Despite my rampant optimism because for once things are looking up, I really know what you mean especially about that type of status updates. It's really just a kick in the gut. Sure I go out and stay up late and even drink when not in the TWW. But I'm just making the best of a shitty situation.

  3. I totally relate. Sometimes I think it would be really freeing to get to a place where I can just put this baby wish and all this grief behind me and embrace a fabulous child-free life, but I think that probably really, if my husband and I ever get to that decision it will just mean we'll spend the rest of our lives trying to distract ourselves from the fact that we don't have kids.

  4. I could have written this post, it's exactly what I want to say (although yours is worded more eloquently.) I'm sorry you're feeling down. These past few weeks have been really hard for me too. Thinking of you.

  5. Those viral smug martyr status updates like that really grate my cheese.

  6. I totally hear you on this. I can no longer log on to FB. It literally tears my heart out. I wish things weren't so dark for you, for all of us.

  7. I am sorry, Wifey. If I had one wish that was guaranteed to come true, I'd give it to you.

    Love you, Sweetie!

  8. That's what the "hide" button is for on FB. I have totally used it on just about everyone I know that has a child and/or is expecting.

    Those people aren't trying to mean, they are just totally ignorant. They have no idea what it would have been like if life hadn't have gone according to plan.

    Hang in there.. We have all been there. You will feel better when you start deciding how your story will end.

  9. I'm so sorry ... I really fucking am. I hate IF and everything that comes with it and I want a healthy pregnancy and baby for you so badly.

    I wish there was more I could say or do to make you feel just a little bit better ... I'm thinking of you.

  10. Facebook should be changed to "smug baby book." It's so annoying.

  11. I can't offer a lot of help, but I just wanted to say that I'm so glad that you have all these ladies (the ones up there ^) to help support you. One of the most helpful things for me when I was in the trenches was having other people who understood. *hugs*

  12. I am in exactly the same state as you right now. I too just wish this all hadn't happened- to all of us. Feeling isolated and in absolute despair, wondering how I got here, again.

    I'm trying to avoid facebook and twitter- those ridiculous copied statuses and constant updates on pregnancy or babies is too painful. I sometimes wish I could scream at all of them and explain what they are doing to us!

    I hope you start feeling better soon. I wish I had answers, but there is maybe some comfort in knowing you aren't alone.

  13. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way and stupid ass things like that on FB just make it worse.

  14. I find FB torturous at this point too, and yet, I still take a glance now and then. I hope you start feeling better soon. Hang in there.

  15. I'm new to your blog but I can identify with so much of what your saying.

    I saw that exact status update and mothers day which was Sunday in the UK was torture, smug mothers bleeting on about how spoilt they were and how wonderful their children are.

    If they're so f'ing wonderful why are you on facebook all the time and not spending time with them?

  16. Hey there... I'm new as well. We've lost three in the last 8 months and I sit across the hall from a gal at work who is due a month after #2 would have been. I am so sorry. I get how much it sucks. Sending strong thoughts your way today.

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  18. I tried to post last night from my phone; however, I saw soo many errors I had to delete the post.

    I just wanted to say your post is my story; My husband,and I have been trying to conceive for the last 6 yrs. For the first 5.5 yrs we did so with some inclination that something minor was wrong...haha, WE WERE WRONG!! And, now are trying to figure out what we are going to do..

    Not that I need to mention this but, EVERYONE I know is Pregnant as well(in SIL who just told me yesterday)..oh but me! So you may as well call me "Thelma" cause I'm holding your hand in the Grand Canyon...I'm tired of being soo emotionally fragile...

    P.S. your blog has inspired me to bring mine back..so keep watch!