Thursday, February 24, 2011


Despite what others may say, and the occasional down swing, I feel like I've grown a lot lately.

There is a place in my heart that is healing over, and the things that once would have ripped the scabs right off and sent me right back into that hole don't hold so much power anymore.

  • I can smile at other people's babies again.
  • I can look at my coworker's belly, and feel sad and wistful for all that I have lost, but I cannot change the past. I can feel happy for her (it helps that she is a real sweetheart) and sad for myself and none of it makes me want to hide and cry (well, most of the time).
  • I can think about the future, and know that while I am doing everything I can to tame the utesaurus, it might not be enough. I am starting to be okay with the unknown ahead of me.
  • I can listen to people say things that begin with "The worst thing about being pregnant....." and not throw up in my mouth. Or on their faces. (But sometimes I think about it.... I know, I know - I have a long way to go!)
  • I can think about going to baby showers again even if I can't quite bring myself to actually go to one.
  • I can pick out a gift for our new niece, and cry a little and smile at the same time.
  • I can run and go to the gym for hours at a time and watch my body change, not in the way it would have were Ocho still inside of me, and it makes me happy more often than not because I know that I am strong and healthy and if there ever is a ninth pregnancy, it'll have a better chance of surviving I'll have a better chance of surviving.
  • I can look at my husband and see the love we have for each other, how it has survived unimaginable horrors, and feel proud of the FAMILY we have become instead of like a failure for killing his children.
  • I can see a future without children and it doesn't make me want to stop breathing.

Fuck you, RPL. I'm taking my life back.


  1. Take it sister. Take it.

    RPL can suck it!!!

  2. Good for you! don't give up on life no matter what. great attitude!

  3. You are AMAZING. I hope I can reach this point one day and I've "only" had 3 losses.

  4. It is so great to hear you feeling positive. I think it's good that you're not pushing yourself to go to things like baby showers. Your relationship with your husband sounds amazing and you are sounding stronger too.
    Take care

  5. I'm glad you're on the mend; how is the 2012 trip planning going? I hope you're going all out. You deserve it!

  6. Hi. I just discovered your blog a couple of days ago and I've been reading through it. I just want to say thanks for sharing and being so honest. I know that it helps to talk about it, but it also helps a lot to read about other women's experiences with this (at least, it's helping me). I've "only" had 2 miscarriages, and for a while I was at the place you describe in this post, but I'm coming up on the anniversary of #2 and the grief that I thought was mostly behind has resurfaced and is really doing a number on me right now. But your blog, along with a few others I just discovered through the Stirrup Queens blog roll, is helping me through it and giving me a sense of hopefulness.

  7. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to lose so many angel babies. I've had one miscarriage, and I was absolutely gutted by it. It's hard for me to really comprehend the level of bravery and strength that you have. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.