Wednesday, April 1, 2009


The few people who know about the full depressing depth of our fertility struggles seem to respond the same way: "Well, you can always adopt!" As if adoption would be some sort of magical cure for my depression, or desire to have a biological child.

The truth is, I'm not so sure how I feel about adoption these days. Before we married (actually, on our second date!), Hubby and I discussed our future family plans. We both agreed that we'd like to have biological children AND adopt. The plan was to adopt a harder to place child, or sibling set. Semi-fertility has changed that. If we cannot have biological children, and we do decide to pursue adoption, I'd like to adopt an infant. I want to experience all the firsts, the sleepless nights, the colic, etc. (I truly MUST be crazy, right?) But there are some things about adoption that rub me the wrong way.

For one, there's the cost. Adoption, particularly of an infant, is quite costly. I know that children do cost money, and a couple needs to have the financial resources to support a child, but no one asks biological parents to prove it AND pony up thousands of dollars up front, before they bring their little ones home. It feels a little like shopping for a baby: brown ones on sale! save thousands!

There's also the whole home study thing. I understand the reasoning behind it (of course, someone needs to make sure that the potential parents are capable of actually parenting) but again, no one asks biological parents to open every aspect of their lives up to inspection by a stranger. It's not as if Hubby and I have anything to hide, but it just feels like another slap in the face by the semi-fertility gods.

And then, there's the social stigma attached to adoption. I really don't give a fuck what other people think, but I worry about the implications for a child, particularly if we adopt outside of our race. Will I always have to defend/explain myself? Will Hubby's parents love an adopted grandchild as much as they love PIG? Will my family be open to a child of another race?

Recently, Hubby and I were visiting some friends who have two young children. They are aware of our most recent loss, and that we've had some issues in the past, but we've never gotten into the specifics of it all. The wife was slightly inebriated, and as we were standing around chatting, me with her hubby, and she with mine, I caught snippets of what she was saying: "I mean, adopt if you have to, but natural is so much better." And so on. I'm glad she voiced it at least, because I know people think things like that but are afraid to say it out loud.

Having said all this, I've set a deadline: February 2010. If I am not preggo (for real this time, with a baby that will actually live!) we'll start the paperwork. It could be years before we actually end up parents, if that becomes our route. I hope the semi-fertility gods smile upon us by then.


  1. I'm sorry you are in such a bad place. Adoption is a wonderful thing to choose but when you don't feel like you get a choice it doesn't always feel so wonderful.

    Re the social stigma, I have no kids but if there is something I have noticed about parents it is that no matter how you have your kids and how you raise them people are always going to make nasty, disrespectful comments about it being the wrong way. I don't know what it is but somehow child-making/-rearing is the one topic where a lot of people seem to feel like they have the right to be horribly judgemental about others, after all, it is "for the kids' own good." Sure, there will be people with funny attitudes about adoption, but whatever you do with your kids and however they come to you someone will tell you you are screwing it up, you are "not a good mother", you should have done things differently, or whatever. If you're going to worry about what other people say there is no way to get it right, so I figure you may as well focus on what you think is right and what makes you happy, whether that means following the road to adoption or not (in my case it means doing DE which definitely flips a lot of people out).

    Good luck!

  2. Hi, I stumbled on your blog through babycenter and I have to say that for the most part I totally agree with and relate to your emotions. After a series of miscarriages and health problems we are going to begin the process of adoption. I, like you, began talking to my husband about our future family early on in our relationship and I always knew we wanted to adopt. So now, I feel honored, chosen and blessed to be able to enter the adoption process. There are so many emotions involved with this whole situation and I agree with a lot of what you've said. I recently researched an agency whose fees were $23,000 for a caucasian or hispanic child and $12,000 for a black child. It's offensive and their qualifying statement "the fees differ so we can provide all children with a loving home" implies that the only way African-American children will get adopted is by them being 50% off. There are stigmas attached but in the end the only people that matter are you, your husband and your child(ren) and I hope you find the peace that so many of us seek. Thank you for sharing your story, I hope to start a blog of my own about the same topic soon.