The few people who know about the full depressing depth of our fertility struggles seem to respond the same way: "Well, you can always adopt!" As if adoption would be some sort of magical cure for my depression, or desire to have a biological child.
The truth is, I'm not so sure how I feel about adoption these days. Before we married (actually, on our second date!), Hubby and I discussed our future family plans. We both agreed that we'd like to have biological children AND adopt. The plan was to adopt a harder to place child, or sibling set. Semi-fertility has changed that. If we cannot have biological children, and we do decide to pursue adoption, I'd like to adopt an infant. I want to experience all the firsts, the sleepless nights, the colic, etc. (I truly MUST be crazy, right?) But there are some things about adoption that rub me the wrong way.
For one, there's the cost. Adoption, particularly of an infant, is quite costly. I know that children do cost money, and a couple needs to have the financial resources to support a child, but no one asks biological parents to prove it AND pony up thousands of dollars up front, before they bring their little ones home. It feels a little like shopping for a baby: brown ones on sale! save thousands!
There's also the whole home study thing. I understand the reasoning behind it (of course, someone needs to make sure that the potential parents are capable of actually parenting) but again, no one asks biological parents to open every aspect of their lives up to inspection by a stranger. It's not as if Hubby and I have anything to hide, but it just feels like another slap in the face by the semi-fertility gods.
And then, there's the social stigma attached to adoption. I really don't give a fuck what other people think, but I worry about the implications for a child, particularly if we adopt outside of our race. Will I always have to defend/explain myself? Will Hubby's parents love an adopted grandchild as much as they love PIG? Will my family be open to a child of another race?
Recently, Hubby and I were visiting some friends who have two young children. They are aware of our most recent loss, and that we've had some issues in the past, but we've never gotten into the specifics of it all. The wife was slightly inebriated, and as we were standing around chatting, me with her hubby, and she with mine, I caught snippets of what she was saying: "I mean, adopt if you have to, but natural is so much better." And so on. I'm glad she voiced it at least, because I know people think things like that but are afraid to say it out loud.
Having said all this, I've set a deadline: February 2010. If I am not preggo (for real this time, with a baby that will actually live!) we'll start the paperwork. It could be years before we actually end up parents, if that becomes our route. I hope the semi-fertility gods smile upon us by then.