Thursday, April 16, 2009


***writing this at work so I may have to cut it short if my boss shows up ;)

I'm waiting for something to happen - for the grief that lays hidden in the shadows to pop its head out and eat my good mood, for depression to take hold and drown this new, semi-happy me. I realize that I am letting the fear of my next dark episode keep me from fully enjoying this latest bout of happy, but I don't know how to stop it. For now, when I need to, I run away from it. Literally. I put in seven miles last night, and it felt great. The runner's high was better than anything a pharmaceutical company could have done for me. And I'm still flying this morning......

I love to run because it is one of the only times during the day that I can focus solely on myself - the rest of the day is spent taking care of my pets, taking care of patients, taking care of clients, taking care of the house, taking care of Hubby. When I run, I have time to work things through in my head if I choose, or to ignore it all and focus on putting one foot in front of the other. Focus on breathing (in through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat. It's actually harder than it sounds). Focus on life, and all the amazing things my body can do, instead of on dead babies and all the things my body cannot do. During a run (or, more accurately, a slow jog)I feel empowered - particularly when I'm out with Hubby and/or his workout buddy, both of whom try to pussy out and drop to a walk before the end of the run.

Last time we all three ran together, the boys did as boys do and rushed out at way too quick a pace before gassing out a couple of miles from home. They began to walk, and when I told them that they could walk but I'd be jogging home, they acted like I stole their manhood. With much grumbling, we made it home at a jog. A slow jog. Barely more than a walk, actually.


  1. HI Wifey,

    Thank you for visiting my blog and for your comment. I am sorry to hear about all you have been through. We have a very similar situation! Crossing everything that this 3rd year brings us both that magical BFP.

    I think it is so funny that you have the user name "wifey"! That is my nickname at home. :)

  2. Hi Wifey,I just came across your blog and wanted to say hello. I've been reading your posts and I am so happy to see that I am not alone. I've had 3 miscarriages - no children. I definately suffer from depression due to my losses, and have felt totally alone and isolated because of it. I live in a new city (Quebec Canada) so have no friends near by, and I don't speak the main language-French fluently so I'm usually lost in translation with the doctors. Like you I'm semi-fertile. I have no problem getting pregnant...I just can't stay pregnant. I've lost close friendships and relationships with family memebers over these last few years. It just seems like no one wants or cares to listen to what I'm actually feeling. I've been told too many times that if I just thought positive then it would happen, or if I would just adopt it would happen. My husband and I have a strong loving marriage and own our own business. I work (and I use that term lightly because I only have to do a few hours of office work each week)from home. I agreed to move to Quebec with my husband so I could have the flexibliy to stay home and raise our children. So now that I've been struck down by the semi-infertile bug, I have no idea what my purpose is anymore. I've taken to blogging my journey as a way to give myself a voice, but also as a way to find and connect with others going through the same situation. I look forward to following your journey and invite you to check out mine at

    As for today's post. Good for you for jogging. I go to the gym to stay ahead of my depression. I also live in fear of my next dark episode. I had one a month ago when our neighbor announced her pregnancy. It took a couple of weeks to claw my way out of that one. Thank you for for being so honest and blogging about your depression. I've learned to sensor myself in real life and hide my deprssion, but in the blogging world I've found a safe place to share. Please keep sharing...I'm listening :)

  3. Hi Christa! Thanks for the comment. I'll be checking out your blog while we drive to the NYC.

    It sounds like we have a lot in common. As shitty as that is :) Lately I've been thinking hard about making some major changes in my life, like going back to school/switching careers, which would put us in a pinch if I actually were to get knocked up and stay knocked up. It almost feels like giving up, even though that makes no sense at all.

    Looking forword to checking out your blog!

  4. You hit the nail on the head when you say it feels like giving up. I have also toyed with the idea of going back to work or even just volunteering. But weirdly to me I'm afraid to do it because it would take me off my path of "trying to be a mom" to something else. I always fear that if I get involved in something, my semi-fertility will ruin it. When I decide to try again, I always get preg right away, but then it's a roller coaster of emotions and appointments that I can't imagine any employer wanting to deal with. So I figure what's the use. We don't need the money, so why bother. But there's another part of me that is screaming, begging for me to challenge myself, to get myself out there, to be a part of society again. I know this doesn't make sense to outsiders, but to the semi-fertile I'm sure I'm speaking loud and clear!