it's only life, after all

Closer To Fine by the Indigo Girls

I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
The best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all
Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper
And I was free.

(chorus)

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m.
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
I went in seeking clarity.

(chorus)


We go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine
The closer I am to fine

I'm starting to think that I really might be fine. At some point. Probably in the future. But the light is there, and I'm really digging life right now. I know this can't last long, this lightness of spirit, but for now, I'll do my happy dance, and ignore the insatiable hunger of darkness.

I know I'm starting to claw my way out from the darkness (without the aid of therapist lady, with whom I've broken up, or the pharmaceuticals she recommended, I might add). Last evening, Mom and I were chatting when she said, timidly, "Can I tell you something?" The alarm sounded in my head: Preggo Alert!! Preggo Alert!! Beware of crashing mood!

And I'm not going to lie - I did shed a tear or two when we hung up the phone, mostly because the last four people we know who have gotten knocked up have lost to me, hands down, when I played the "Who Would Make a Better Mommy?" game. This friend is no exception (and I still feel like an asshole just for playing). And it is so, so frustrating. Hubby and I could afford for me to stay home with a baby. We're ok financially. Our relationship is good. And yet, all of the preggos we've known lately have been in rough financial spots, or rough relationships, or both. It's hard not to compare myself to everyone else and wonder why it's so easy for them, and so tough for us.

There weren't too many tears shed, though. After all, I really wouldn't want to be this friend: preggo with number 3, Hubby unemployed, living in an expensive city, relying on resentful family for help. No sir! I feel kind of like myself again - for now, I'm going to enjoy my life. Someday, we'll have a family, and I just have to accept that I don't yet know how crooked the line will get before it takes us there.

Side note: reason 4,376 why you shouldn't envy my job: I had to work today. We had a surgery patient, a lab puppy who was spayed yesterday, waiting for her owners to come pick her up. My coworker had already walked and fed her, so I went up to her cage to say good morning and give her a little love. She then peed (we call it puppy bladder). And laid in it to show me her tummy. And wagged her tail, just to show me how far pee can spray when a happy puppy's tail is whipping through a puddle of it. Spray it did. I had my very own golden shower this morning, and it wasn't nearly as much fun as folks claim (the ones who are into that sort of thing, anyway).

Off to take a soap and water shower now. Wifey out.