the boys

So, the boys are cancer free. As Hubby explained it to me, he strained himself (probably while working out) which lead to some localized swelling that felt like a lump. He just needs to take it easy and take anti-inflammatories for the time being. What an emotional rollercoaster!

What a pair we are, though. I think part of what makes our marriage strong is that we have the ability to laugh in the face of one fucked up universe. Indeed, while we waited to get the ultrasound results this weekend, we laughed quite a lot. At the possibility of cancer. And miscarriage. And infertility. We're quite a jolly bunch.

Hubby can now join the club though - sitting in a dark room with your genitals exposed and a stranger manipulating them. If he had had to put is feet in stirrups I probably would have cracked up, instead of giggling like I did.

Oh, and of course I ovulated Monday, which means that his poor sore boys had to perform this weekend (with the doctor's permission). How do you know that your husband is an infertility veteran? Well, when he remembers your ovulation schedule and checks with his doctor to make sure sex is okay without being prompted.

In other momentous news, you'll never believe what I did last week.

Have you guessed?

That's right, I shopped for a baby shower gift. Of course I didn't actually attend the shower, but I bought a gift and a card and I didn't cry once. I think I'm a bit numb, and frankly, I like it. I was so fucking proud of that ten minutes in Target, which really is pathetic because, well, all I did was grab a gift and go. But for years I haven't been able to even look at the baby aisle, so this was, however lame, a huge breakthrough for me.

Come to think of it, lately I haven't been crying at all. Weird. Is this - could it be - what it's like to be happy? Or am I just numb?

After all of this time, I've finally accepted our situation for what it is: completely craptastic and awful, and I wish it were different, but it's my life, and for the first time in a long time, it actually seems more appealing than death.

I must have the opposite of seasonal affective disorder, because it has been one hell of a winter in Iowa this year. We're breaking records left and right (snowfall, days with five or more inches of snow cover, temperature) and everyone is whining about it while I smile.