Thursday, March 25, 2010


I was up.

I am now down.

Such is the rollercoaster life of a recurrent pregnancy loss survivor, I suppose. Just as I was basking in the light, the darkness swallowed me. Endless cycles of grief, of hope, of happiness and sadness, triggered by life. That’s all – nothing traumatic or horrific or overtly sad has happened. Simply life.

Or to be more specific, other people’s lives.

It seems my friends are having a baby boom. I log onto FB and am bombarded with proof that for other people, reproduction just sort of happens. I need to take a FB break, I think. It is too much. I feel marked as different, the only one of a large group of people without belly pictures and baby pictures posted to my wall. I have been contemplating letting my IF/loss rage out onto FB, but I waver. You see, I have not come out of the IF/loss closet to many of these folks. I am almost at the point where I just don’t care – this is my life, this is what I live with every day, and to present myself as someone else seems dishonest and fake, two things I despise – but I just don’t know.

It feels whiny and self centered just to say it, but I hate reading all of the messages of support posted on new parents’ walls. All of the congratulations and well wishes, they make me sick. Yes, it is someone’s happiest day. But what about me, what about all of us living in this hell? Who supports us? A new baby changes a parent’s life forever, for sure. A lost baby does the same, but at the other end of the spectrum – the sadness and despair side. And whereas other people – friends, coworkers, acquaintances - rally around the happiness, they shun the sadness and despair like it’s contagious.


I’m now in the two week wait. The hope is draining out of me, exsanguinating my soul. Tuesday, I go in for a day 21 progesterone check and a prolactin recheck. The last time I had my day 21 progesterone tested, I was pregnant. Of course, I soon miscarried. As usual. I’m sort of on pins and needles about it for no clear reason.

Thanks for reading my whine.


  1. I had so many friends on 'hide' before round 5 finally worked for us. Facebook is a unique form of torture.

  2. I took the FB app off of my phone, it just caused sadness in my life. It made me feel the things I have never liked in other people, jealousy, envy, and anger. I haven't deleted my account but I put a message up saying "I am taking a FB break, if you need me email me." that was two weeks ago and though I miss FB for curing the occasional boredom that I find myself in from time to time, in general though, I don't miss it. I don't miss feeling down when I see new belly pics, or belly updates or delivery room updates, or pics of kids. Sprudeln said it best, it's a unique form of torture. I don't want to hide people, I just choose not to let that into my life right now, if is hard enough w/o people smashing crap in my face. I hope you find peace no matter what your FB decision is, keep us updated!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through a harder time right now. I hate having to see people's u/s, belly, and baby pictures on FB. It is like rubbing salt in the wound.

    GL during your 2ww. I hope that your testing gives you some good news!

  4. Reading other people comment and leave congrats for the pregnant friend is horrible. Almost as bad as the announcement.

  5. I'm right here with you. I hate FB announcements. HATE THEM!

    I hope life soon starts on an "up" swing. I know that feeling too. It makes me feel crazy to feel crappy for no apparent reason. Glad someone else "gets it", but also sad that you do.


  6. FB is evil. I'm so right there with you. Two of my friends posted their "we're 3 months along and can now announce to everyone we're pregnant" last year, and it still haunts me. I avoided FB for weeks after that. You do what you need to, my dear, and screw everyone else.

    I hope things starting looking up soon. Hugs.

  7. Hey wifey. Did I ever tell you I'm not on Facebook? For this exact reason. I just don't see the point to it. If you feel you need to take a break, definitely do it. And you're exactly right. Our society just has nothing in place to help those who go through this. There are no rituals. No words. That makes this whole experience even harder. Hope this cycle works for you!!! (((BIG HUGS)))

  8. RPL sucks. It's unfair and painful and the worst part is, most people just don't understand.

    I've been where you are, more than once, in the past year. 4 pregnancies, 4 early losses. I count myself lucky to have my beautiful daughter, just in case this 5th pregnancy ends early too.

    Sending you many, many virtual hugs.


  9. I hope that you will someday find your peace and will have a bouncing beautiful baby in your arms. I have also went through multiple miscarriages and it is hard- probably the hardest thing many have gone through. But we have to stay positive for our own sanity although it might seem hard some days. Keep your head up, we will get there!