Wednesday, March 31, 2010

groundhog day

I want to say goodbye to this ache that haunts me. I want to say goodbye to these four long disastrous years and be someone else - or, more accurately, the "before" me.

I want to smile with my soul, like I did before.
I want to celebrate the babies that other people have, like I did before.
I want to imagine a future filled with laughter and joy, like I did before.
I want to walk into a room with a pregnant woman and not have a panic attack, like I did before.
I want my eyes to stay dry, like they did before.

Hubby and I had a long talk last night, the kind where all sorts of shit gets aired out and tears are cried and we stay up way too fucking late because we can't turn off the verbal diarrhea. Among other things, he asked me if I could ever imagine myself not being haunted by our losses and my fading dream of motherhood. And I said the words I NEVER thought I'd have to say: I can't start to heal until we stop trying.

It's true. I hate it for being true, but it's true. Every time I start to heal emotionally from a miscarriage, I end up pregnant and going through it all all over again. Like fucking groundhog day. And now the calendar destroys me, because every month is something - a would be birthday. A loss anniversary. A pregnancy anniversary. Mother's Day. Father's Day. A veritable minefield.

I don't think I want to stop trying, yet. But it's different now. I've always believed in my heart that somehow I'd end up pregnant with a baby that didn't die. Now, I just don't know. I doubt it will happen, and I doubt I can ever forgive my body for failing us. It's like that last little innocent, naive part of me - the part that got excited about a positive hpt, the part that could still remember the excitement that our first pregnancy brought us - is finally dead.

How do you know when to walk away from a dream? When do you walk away from everything you've ever wanted? How do you know when you're crossing the line that separates "trying everything I can" from "destroying everything I am?"


  1. Oh honey :( Big hugs to you - I am in the same place and going through the same thing.

    Every word you wrote is so true - you can't heal until it's all behind you. This is why I set a deadline for myself of when to get off this roller coaster. I needed to. Iam not ready to give up yet, but I couldn't keep going either. Once I had this plan, I could then see a place that was "the other side". A sad, heartbroken side, but one with space to heal and a life to live even if it didn't involve children.

    Like you I have reached a place where I doubt it will happen for us. I don't think we will beat the odds. And whatever it was that kept me going all those years does not work anymore. But I still have some possible treatments up my sleeve and I can't walk away until I have at least given it a shot. But the end is in sight. You will know in your heart when the time is right for you. It is such a difficult decision.

    You know where to find me if you want to talk. Sending you big hugs.

  2. I wish I had an answer to give you sweetie, but I guess you know that it is your decision in the end. So all I can say is that I am here for you no matter what you decide, even if you make your decision then change your mind back again. I understand your desire to heal and put this all behind you too. (((BEAR HUG)))

  3. Wow. Your last paragraph really hit home for me. You have gone through so much more than I have, but the way you describe possibly deciding to stop trying is dead on for me.

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  5. I feel like this post was written by me, only much better:) I'm trying to find an end as well and somehow be ok with it. It's incredibly hard for me to give up on a dream that I have had since I was 12(I'm almost 38). It doesn't seem right. But I am also not the same person. I know I am becoming depressed. I don't focus on work. I look up infertility blogs too much. I chart too much. My time, energy and money are all focused around my cycle. I'm sick of it. The only thing I am kind of grateful for is my age. In my mind if it doesn't happen by 40,I'm DONE! I think I will be ok with that. At the rate I am going now, I may move that to 39, because 2 more years seems unbearable lately. Take Care, Nicole

  6. Whoa, powerful post, and your last paragraph really sums a lot about how I feel about my life too. (How do you know when to walk away from a dream? When do you walk away from everything you've ever wanted? How do you know when you're crossing the line that separates "trying everything I can" from "destroying everything I am?" ) The shit part is I don't know the answer. But I am definitely in need of healing and I don't see how I can w/o an end to this. Man I hate RPL.

  7. I have been reading your posts over the last few weeks and I can tell a lot is going on inside of you. I wish you peace in coming to whatever decision you make. Your words resonate. Great big ol' hugs to you!

  8. This post speaks volumes for me- just, yes, I get it. The worst part for me is the conflict between knowing what I desperately need at this point, and what I still desperately want- because those two things just do not match up anymore. And it kills me. (*hugs*) May you find the peace you need soon.

  9. How do you know? For us it was the point that we realised we had no hope left, and what is the point when there is no hope.

    I wish you peace, and I hope that you find a self that you can live with.

  10. Here from Stirrup Queens. Hugs. I don't know the answer to your question, but I hope you can find the strength to continue or the strength to quit, and mostly, the wisdom to know which is the right path to choose.

  11. Hey---I'm sorry that it sucks. I wish someone could give you the right answer, but I don't know that anyone can. Know that you're not alone, and if its any consolation to you, your comparison of recurrent loss/miscarriage and the film Groundhog's Day made perfect sense to me...Thank you.

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