Hubby and I had an emotional night last night.
It all started when he told me that we would be going to his parents' house to celebrate Mother's Day. I fucking lost my shit. I don't know if it was just picturing me sitting at that table again, wishing to be anywhere else, with no one acknowledging that it might be difficult for me. Perhaps it was the realization that another Mother's Day is upon us, and our arms are still so so empty.
But anyway, I cooked dinner with tears streaming down my face (and probably into the food too. Don't tell the health department!) and somehow we got into an argument. I think Hubby has a lot of anger towards me, and sometimes he acts like I should just magically be ok and forget that the last four years have ever happened.
I can't be ok, not yet. Maybe I'm weak or just too FUBAR to ever be a normal person. Maybe I should just be over all of this by now, but I'm not.
Or maybe I'm just an emotional PMSing bitch, and this will all seem ridiculous next week.
Anyway, I've started to contact couples counselors in our area. I want my marriage to survive this, and we do love each other very very much. If I have to deal with a therapist, I will.
Infertility, you may have stolen my soul but you will not ruin my marriage.
Oh honey, I am so so sorry. I have felt the strains that infertility can place on a marriage and I know it isn't easy. I think a therapist is a good idea. We often are able to get our feelings and thoughts out on our blogs or with friends/families and men just don't always work the same way. It will be good for him and for the marriage. Don't be ashamed, put up a fight for your marriage and your hubby. You just have to remember that what you're facing is so stressful and sometimes it requires more help and knowledge than the two of you can give it no matter how much you try. Hang in there sister.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I get it. There are no Mother's Day celebrations for me until I'm a mother. I just can't do it. It's too much of a slap in the face.
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
You are so right to put up a fight against IF for coming between you and your husband. It is so tough sometimes because it seems like they just don't understand how all of this makes us feel. DH regularly gets upset with me because he is so tired of seeing me "depressed" about our infertility. I try so hard to NOT be depressed, but DAMN IT if I feel sad then I should be able to cry on my husband's shoulder and he should hold me and understand the pain and emptiness I feel.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are feeling this strain right now.
Oh, and Mother's Day can BITE MY ASS. Hang in there.
From what I've read about your in-laws, I wouldn't want to go there either. I lost it the other day after seeing a co-worker's baby (her husband brought him to work for a surprise visit to her), and my husband's response was "those things are unavoidable." True, but it doesn't make it easier to deal with.
ReplyDeleteI think a counselor would be a good idea. Nothing you have gone through is easy, and you've done amazingly well, but a little help and support can't hurt, right?
I'm really sorry to hear this. Infertility is so fucking hard... I hope you and your hubs have had some cooling off time and are back to being on the same page.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you.