Yesterday was a strange work day for me. I felt disjointed and out-of-place, like I had woken up in some alternate universe. A was aflutter over the recent birth of M's baby girl, and was spilling details left and right about the whole process. My office was transformed from a somewhat baby-hostile environment into motherfucking baby land.
I've spouted off many times before about how when someone I know has a baby, as is true for many of us dead-baby mamas, I'm sure, I am sent into a tailspin of self-destructive and self-pitying thoughts. It's an ugly place to be, and it makes me feel like an ugly person: selfish, locked so deep in my prison of grief that I cannot even muster a smile or a "Congratulations" to welcome the miracle of a new life.
Yesterday was different though.
I watched A, radiating
And suddenly, it wasn't M and her healthy-baby-popping-out abilities that turned me green. A, and her I-don't-have-a-kid-and-I-don't-care vibe shocked me. I wanted to be her.
I could have been her, before my utesaurus started eating babies. I could have gone grocery shopping for the new parents on my break. I could have spoken with pride and joy about the birth of my best friend's child. I could have been there for every pregnancy milestone. Seeing A act with such concern and kindness was like watching myself in a mirror to some weird opposite land, where babies don't die, and people don't break up with their friends when they reproduce.
My oh my how RPL can change a gal.
You're right, those *other* people do exist in a separate universe of sorts. Some of the stuff they say to comfort us, like "you're still young" they actually believe. I know how unbelievably hard it is not to feel like a cesspool of grief and hating yourself for not being a bigger/better person. The thing is though, that people who go through challenges in life, like yours, deserve a little bit of understanding. We're understanding that old people are rude because well, sometimes they are just sick and tired and out of patience. We're understanding that people who have cancer are angry and sometimes hate the whole world. Although this isn't identical, you do deserve that. So if you can't stop those pitying feelings, that's OK. The fact that you even desire to be a different person-someone who can be happy for a new mum without having had their own baby first-is a good thing. But you don't have to fake it if you just can't. You have been through hell and that, my friend, deserves props just for the fact that you are still standing.
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I really like the previous comment, very wise words.
ReplyDeleteI love your term "utesaurus". You are brilliant. I don't know how you come up with this stuff.
Sometimes I wish I could go back to being niave and not knowing the heartache from a pg loss and IF. It is so hard to be around people who can easily have kids or haven't been trying. I hope your office goes back to its previously "baby hostile" environment soon.
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