Yesterday was THE DAY.
I had put off starting the antidepressant all week, even though I knew with reasonable certainty that I was not pregnant.
I swear, I really am a head case. Even though I am on anti-anxiety meds, I had a mini anxiety attack regarding the fucking pill. My heart raced, and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt like I had the word “Failure” stamped on my forehead. I tried to control my life, to plan things out, to have babies, to treat depression, first without therapy and then without meds – and I failed.
I wanted to take it, because I want to change my life; I was scared to take it for so many reasons. I don’t know what it’s like anymore to be happy – sadness and despair are my home now. They are - in a sick way - comfy to me. I was scared of the unknown side effects. I was afraid to face the rest of the summer cookout/hangout season without wine (goodbye, my vine ripened friend. I shall see you on the other side, in vast quantities).
Mostly, I was scared I would choke on the fucker. I have a serious issue with pills, and this one is considerably larger than my folic acid, which I do occasionally choke on. Hubby stood by, ready to break out the Heimlich maneuver if necessary. We discussed various swallowing techniques. And then, I just did it – opened my mouth, popped it in, swigged some water, and swallowed.
And down it went, mocking me all the way to my stomach. “You were scared of me?” it said. “I was made to slide down your throat, you fucking nutcase.”
That was it. I’ll take another one tonight, and head off to therapy. No side effects yet, although I am tracking my weight since I was promised that 99% of people actually lose weight on this drug.
We all know, though, that I am a walking statistical anomaly. I fully expect to be the one percent that blows up like a pig, and whose fat thighs strain at her scrubs until they finally give up and burst open one day right in front of a client.
We’ll see.
I'm glad it's on board and hopefully it will help. Hang in there... (I laughed when you wrote that you are a walking statistical anomaly- I feel like that's me, too)!
ReplyDeleteOh Wifey...it's going to get better I hope. I know it doesn't help but I think you are very brave for fighting this and trying to make yourself better. I would still be in the corner. What can I do to help you??
ReplyDeleteI thought about a phone call last night. I was on your side of town after a meeting and wanted to get together for a drink...
No alcohol on the pill???
My mom, my sister, and my sister's husband have all been on anti-depressants for varying lengths of time. They are MUCH better after taking the pills for a few days. Although with my brother in law it took a few different prescriptions to find the right pill for him that actually helped him feel better. So don't worry (or feel like a failure) if it doesn't help immediately; you might just need a different one.
ReplyDeleteWifey..can I say I know how you feel? After our last m/c (in December) I was a basket case, and severly depressed. I finally realized what was going on when DH left for the day and came home 16hrs later, and I was in the same spot on the bed, in the same clothes. I hadn't moved or eaten or anything all day..My doc prescribed Prozac..Ugh, thats for crazy people!!! It was a miracle. I could not have gotten through those next dark months w/o it. So don't feel like a failure, try to let it help you, so you can get back to a semblance of happy..Whatever that may be..
ReplyDeleteI'm sure it doesn't mean much, but I am totally proud of you! I know how hard it is to take that step, but I know it will get easier.
ReplyDeleteKudos, Wifey. I am here if you ever need to vent or just talk.
You are so brave to take this first step honey and don't you ever think otherwise. Glad you didn't choke though!!
ReplyDeleteOne small step at a time :) (((HUGS)))
I"m proud of you for being able to take that step. It's a hard one. I recently started taking anti-depressants even though I really, really did NOT want to. Things finally got to the point where I thought my life would crash and burn if I didn't take take advantage of any chance I had to make things better.
ReplyDeleteI hope you start to feel better soon!