Friday, July 23, 2010

my own best friend

I thought things were set in stone for me, that sadness and grief and depression would be constants in my life, sorta like the evil monkey from "Family Guy" who pops out randomly to terrorize Chris.

I was wrong.

I had a therapy session Tuesday night that left me sobbing in the car on the way home, shaken to the core. Dr. A has been questioning my resistance to taking antidepressants. She told me, in no uncertain terms, that my refusal to medicate amounts to a subconscious desire to sabotage my marriage.

My first reaction was to give her the finger (she didn't see, as she was writing something at that moment, probably something along the lines of "batshit crazy").

But then I thought about it, and accepted that she was right. You see, I've felt for a long time like Hubby would be better off without me. In my darkest moments, I've told him to divorce me. I mean, I wouldn't want to be married to me - I have issues (ummm, that would be an understatement). If he left, I could let go of this guilt that consumes me, this feeling that I am an anchor around his neck dragging him down. He could go off and find a woman of proven fertility and have a family and be happy. So I stay sad and hopeless and inert, in this sick effort to push him away.

Only, he won't leave. I should have expected nothing else from a man who firmly believes that if you work out and don't puke, you didn't really work out. He commits, that man, even to the unpleasant.

And then I thought about my situation as if I were one of my friends. What would I say to friend-wifey? It might go a little something like this:
"You deserve to be happy. After all of the awful crazy things you've been through, you deserve it. Grief and trauma have changed you. Therapy is a good step, but if your therapist recommends a pill, don't be a dumb, resistant shithead (I can be a little meaner to myself than I would be to any other friend). Take the fucking pill. Make yourself well. Stop sabotaging your life."

So I decided to take the fucking pill (that is, if the red headed bitch comes for a visit this weekend, which, in all likelihood, she will). I will join the legions of Americans who medicate their sadness away, because I need to. I need to live, for myself, for Hubby, and for any child who comes into our lives (however that might happen). And as soon as I made the decision to get the prescription, I felt a weight lift off of me. I could breathe, and see hope in my future.

Plus, one of the side effects of this particular drug is weight loss. Who wouldn't be excited about that? I have to confess, that sold it for me - the thought that I could be a skinny happy girl makes me giddy. Nope, I'm not vain at all.

So, once I start the meds I'm going to try to blog more often, to have a record of me officially kicking depression's ass.

That's right, evil monkey, you are hereby evicted from my closet.


  1. This is a really great post. I am so glad that you're going to be moving forward. I know about you telling DH to leave you from previous posts and I think the therapy and pills, are just going to help you have a a better life. Hopefully a skinnier one, but if not, well at least happier!! It'll suck if AF comes, but at least your spirits might lift a bit soon! Thinking of you :)

  2. Love it :)

    I know that you and Hubby are strong. I know you would be devastated if he did leave, you don't want that. And he ain't goin' nowhere. How awesome is your hubs?! He is five thousand kinds of awesome!!! :)

    I seriously hope that the evil AF does not come, but if she does, I think the meds are going to be good for you. You and Hubs can reconnect, and no matter what happens, you will get through this together.

    I would love to see you back blogging more often.

    PS. the captcha word was "winest" so I hope you have a wine to celebrate!

  3. This sounds like a step in the right direction for you. I'll keep you in my prayers as you go through this journey.

  4. I'm glad you've made the decision and it's probably the right one. I have been right where you are and also afraid to take meds. If I ever fall that low again though, I will be begging for them.

    ((hugs)) Good luck

  5. I have had the moments of insecurity too when I thought my husband would leave me for some young fertile chick.
    But it turns out we both have good guys that hang in there.

  6. So glad you could be your own best friend and give yourself a kick in the tush and support yourself in this way.

    Here's to a skinner, happier woman/wife and mother to be!

  7. don't be so hard on yourself.
    we all need help now & again.
    i tried many different antidepressants over the year, to no avail. now i am on a terrific one, which means it works!
    the antidepressant gives me room in my all too busy,always thinking, negative brain, gives me room to really hear my therapist and listen to what she has to say. this, in turn, helps me be able to work on my issues.
    as you probably already know, it can take a good 4 - 8 wks before you feel better. give it a chance. you could see and feel a whole new you.

  8. I had a really hard time agreeing to go on antidepressants at first too. I fought it fir a long time. I spent a year on them and am now off. It was the best thing for me at the time. Therapy has also been a life saver. Kuddos to you for taking this step.


  9. There's no shame in AD's. It's amazing how much better I felt after I broke down and admitted when I needed them. And then you'll know when you don't need them, too! Be patient and give yourself a break; they can take a little time to kick in and really start to make a difference, but it's completely worth it!

    Best of luck to you!

  10. I'm a first time reader from ICLW. I can't claim to be an expert but it really sounds like you are a loving and strong individual who has dealt brilliantly with a very tough journey. But now there is a way to give yourself a break and get a medicinal helping hand. It doesn't have to be forever and if it helps that would be great. Good luck x

  11. My hubby and I have had exactly the same kind of drama you describe . . . me trying to sabotage things because I think he deserves to be with someone better. Such a horrible place to be. I'm sorry. Lucky we both have husband's who don't give up on us easily :)
    I tried the antidepressants for awhile, too and they actually made things a lot worse for me. They're worth a try to get you out of such a bad place, but if you give it a fair try and it doesn't work for you I hope noone will pressure you into continuing.