Thursday, July 1, 2010

the crawl

Slowly, surely I am putting one foot in front of the other on the path towards wellness. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of wishful thinking –most times I am army crawling inch by painful inch, through the sand traps of grief and the water traps of sadness and despair, under and over obstacles lobbed at me by infertility. I see a normal life ahead, just out of reach, and I want it, so badly, even if children aren’t in it. I want to live, and smile, and lessen the stranglehold of depression.

Therapy is so helpful, as are the anti-anxiety meds. I am really thankful that Hubby is open to the process, that he acknowledges that he needs to change too, if I am to get well, and that maybe he needs help to reach his own happiness. Our therapist gets me, I think. She sees right into the heart of our relationship and zeroes in on what is good, and what is bad. She has, in her own roundabout way, convinced me that I really truly am suffering from clinical depression. I don’t think I realized just how ill I have been until recently. I can’t believe I let it get so bad. I also can’t believe that I was more willing to accept a vision of myself as a total fuckup – a wife who can’t keep the house clean and the bills paid, whose inertia almost brought us to the brink of financial ruin, who barely has the energy for work and surely can’t fit time for friends in – than as someone with a mental illness. And so now I am double stigmatized – I am a mentally ill infertile who happens to take breast cancer meds and Parkinson’s meds and anxiety meds and aspirin and folic acid in the foolhardy hope that something will make it all magically work as it should. Yay me.

Hubby and I have a reasonable plan ahead (I know, I know, our plans change almost as frequently as our underwear). We’re going to try with our last cycle of femara. Then, we may take a couple of months off so I can detox a bit and get physically and mentally as healthy as possible. Exercise. Sweat. Do acupuncture and yoga. Eat well. Spend time with friends (or maybe actually make some of my own, since all of our friends here are couple friends and I let all of my female friendships die). All the while we’ll be building our savings account towards that lofty goal, IVF. And since it will take a while – since, in my depression, things like “paying the bills” and “not getting sent to collections” were not high on my priority list – we’ll try a couple of iui cycles. If all that fails – as it likely will – we’ll move on to IVF (which scares the shit out of me, because if that fails as well, I’ll be cliff diving off the precipice of depression to the depths of complete batshit crazy!).
We’ll get there, inch by inch. We might be the oldest parents of a kindergardener EVER, but we'll get there. I hope.


  1. Wifey,

    I am a new blog reader and have been trying to catch up. I have also suffered through infertility. What is your diagnosis? I know you have RPL but what dr. are you working with? An RE? Have they done the recurrent pregnancy loss panel on you? Have they been able to test any of the pregnancies for genetic issues?

    I also suffer from beyond severe anxiety and am currently on meds. I think it is fantastic that you are getting your mental health in order.

    I know I am probably nobody to you but having gone through this struggle I feel a connection. Is there anyway you could do a "rundown" post of your history, diagnoses, and treatments? Are you on any infertility boards or forums?

    I want you to get your sticky bean and have a healthy pregnancy. I am rooting for you!!!!

  2. I completely understand how you are feeling. There are days that I feel as if I am on the brink of falling off a cliff myself. Or jumping, depending on the day. My husband has often asked me if I am depressed. I don't know if I am afraid to admit that I might be or if I just want to beat this by myself. I don't know. I am proud of you for taking the steps to be better.

    As far as not having any more friends - I completely understand that as well. Looking back, I realize that I have written off many a friendship when they either became mothers (because it was just too painful for me) or when they didn't understand how to deal with me as an infertile. Infertility truely sucks.

    I am glad to hear that things are headed in the right direction for you and that you feel as if you are getting there, even if it is inch by inch. Hang in there.

  3. I am so glad that you've found a therapist that gets you. It really makes a huge difference. I sing the praises of mine almost daily, she is so amazing. You'll get where you want to be soon. Just take things one day at a time and try not to be too hard on yourself.