Tuesday, September 21, 2010

run away

I just want to run away.
I was doing better, feeling - gasp - normal.

I was smiling more. My eyes stayed dry. August was a taste of life for me.

I thought September's downswing would pass quickly. I am, after all, behaving like a good mental patient. I'm taking my meds - antianxiety and antidepressants. ='m going to therapy.

I survived a friend's fb pregnancy announcement - handled it like a champ, actually.

And then my husband's brother called to say that his wife is pregnant again.

I swear to you - all of my dead baby sisters, I think, know this feeling - I felt as if someone shot me in the chest. Right where my heart used to be is a smoking black hole.

Internets, I lost my shit. I've been crying for three days. This is as bad as I've ever felt after a miscarriage. What's the point to therapy, to meds, if I'm right back in the midst of the crapstorm?

All I can think about are my dead babies, and the chances they'll never have. My hubby, and the pain on his face. The fact that I'm still a bitter, sad, selfish shit who cannot manage to summon an ounce of excitement for this soon to be babe. How Christmas is going to be unbearable because I'll be surrounded by the complete happy family. But my family will never be complete.

What if this is as good as it gets for me? What if, no matter what I do, the sucker punches keep knocking me out? I look ahead and see a life of blah punctuated by bouts of deep sadness. I don't see happiness waiting out there for me at all.

And all I want to do is run away.


  1. ohhhh wifey I totally know that feeling and what a shitty feeling it is. I hope it passes over you quickly. I share your stats and your pain.

  2. I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I hate how you can be going along with everything being okay, and then something hits you and it brings everything back. I am living in fear of when my SIL announces that she is pg again. GL and big hugs!

  3. I have wanted to run away before too. It was especially hard for me the other day when a friend told me she was pregnant with her second child. In the meantime, I've had 4 miscarriages. It's hard. But I have to keep moving forward & trusting God. My husband & I will be foster parents soon. I've been thinking a lot about those kids out there...all the orphans who have no one... all the children who need parents. They need parents as much I need a child. I'm nervous but also very excited to see where this journey leads!!
    I will be praying for you. I can so relate to some of your feelings. {{Hugs}} to you, my dear friend!!

  4. I can literally feel your pain. It's horrible and I hurt knowing just how much you are hurting. I wish there were something more I could say of offer but please, try and hang in there.

    The questions that you asked yourself at the end of your post I ask myself on a daily basis, too. I don't have answers other than to say that I can relate and we're here for you. (((HUGS)))

  5. Oh wifey, it is so very very hard. A big hug to you. I am thinking of you.