Thursday, January 20, 2011

by the numbers

This week marks 5 years since our first loss, since the last time I remember being truly happy and hopeful. I think somewhere my brain knew that milestone was looming, which would explain my recent funk.

Anyway, the numbers:

4 - how old that first doomed baby would now be

7 - how many times (at least) I've been pregnant since that loss
40 - number of times I've been poked for beta testing

50+ - number of babies born to people I know in that time (not including all of my blogging buddies, who seem to be getting knocked up regularly these days)
56 - approximate number of weeks I've been pregnant

680 - approximate number of sticks I've peed on (opk and hpt)
$1040 - how much I've spent on sticks to pee on (approximately)
$3500 - how much we've spent on copays for visits and meds and surgery

10950 - number of folic acid pills I've swallowed

1,257,333,123 - number of times my heart has been broken (approximate)

I can't believe I'm still here.


  1. Hugs! All I can say is, I feel for you. It's been 7 1/2 years since our first loss and I can't help but think about how old our first son would be -- not to mention the numbers beyond that like those that you have mentioned.

    I hope 2011 brings some awesome hope your way!

  2. Oh man, I hate it when we are actually able to remember all of the 'numbers' that are associated with this crap. It's very difficult to swallow the truth that keeps on haunting us. At least that's my analogy; Loss is haunting. Like a fucking ghost that keeps coming back and back to terrorize or soul. If only we knew the proper voodoo to get rid of it!!! Thinking of you and hoping that the end is near.

  3. Sucks. So. Much.

    I'm giving you a virtual hug right now. :)

  4. My heart just breaks for you. :(

  5. I still remember the date from when I took my last bcp. January 8/08

    We can't escape the numbers or the calendar, can we?