I have been surprised so many times by the kindness of others. When I am deep in the darkness, it seems to me that others must loathe me as much as I sometimes do.
I've been proven wrong, again.
When I discovered my coworker's pregnancy, I had a meltdown. That meltdown paled in comparison to the one I had when I learned that her due date is very close to what mine would have been. You know, if that raging beast of a utesaurus didn't eat my baby - which I discovered, you might recall, hours after I had to make the most horrible decision of my life and put my sweet otherwise healthy dog to sleep. The worst fucking day of my life, also known as DDDBD (Dead Dog Dead Baby Day).
I just couldn't make sense of how I was going to face her every day - her belly growing, mine shrinking, she aglow with life, me casting the pallor of death. I was having panic attacks walking into the building, and at this point no one else (except the boss) knew.
I knew that I had been acting oddly for a few days, so I pulled aside the girl I work most closely with (a wonderful, wonderful girl whose friendship in the office means so much to me) and explained that she shouldn't take anything I say/do personally, and that I'd be acting weird for a while, because New Girl is pregnant (I didn't even mention the due date thing). And this girl - we'll call her Runway (she used to model) - this girl who isn't close to wanting babies yet and certainly hasn't lost any, her eyes welled up. I told her that I might have to look for another job because I just didn't think I could do it, and she got even more sad, but said she'd understand if it came to that.
That night, I emailed Runway to thank her for her kindness and empathy, since I know that my particular craziness is off her radar. She responded with, among other things, "Don't worry - I've got your back." And with that, the icy loneliness and fear in me started to melt.
I had also emailed another coworker, my friend A, to warn her. Her response was full of empathy and kindness, and so the ice melted just a bit more.
My final email was to my boss. I let him know exactly what was going on and how I didn't know if I would be able to continue working there, even though I am loving my job right now. I told him that I am just not willing to risk completely losing my mind for it.
He responded that he thinks I am a very valuable employee, and doesn't want to lose me. We are in the middle of some scheduling changes and he mentioned that he would try to work things out so, basically, preggo and I aren't around each other too much. He also suggested possibly moving my workstation into the office the doctors share.
And then he wrote "Let me know if you need anything else. I am willing to put up with a lot if you are willing to give it a go." And with that, the rest of the ice was gone.
I forget it sometimes, but I am a lucky lady to be valued so much by the people with whom I spend the bulk of my waking hours.
((And of course, the feel-good vibe is taking a hit from the bad voice in my head, which says "Wow, I am a seriously fucked up person if my whole office has to be rearranged to accommodate my craziness. I mean, the girl is pregnant! It should be a happy time in the office, not one of walking on eggshells because I can't cope with life." That stupid mother fucker never completely goes away.))
Oooh, and I've won a blog award! Hopefully tomorrow I'll post about that and my Making Babies beginnings.