Wednesday, January 26, 2011

unexpected kindness

I have been surprised so many times by the kindness of others. When I am deep in the darkness, it seems to me that others must loathe me as much as I sometimes do.

I've been proven wrong, again.

When I discovered my coworker's pregnancy, I had a meltdown. That meltdown paled in comparison to the one I had when I learned that her due date is very close to what mine would have been. You know, if that raging beast of a utesaurus didn't eat my baby - which I discovered, you might recall, hours after I had to make the most horrible decision of my life and put my sweet otherwise healthy dog to sleep. The worst fucking day of my life, also known as DDDBD (Dead Dog Dead Baby Day).

I just couldn't make sense of how I was going to face her every day - her belly growing, mine shrinking, she aglow with life, me casting the pallor of death. I was having panic attacks walking into the building, and at this point no one else (except the boss) knew.

I knew that I had been acting oddly for a few days, so I pulled aside the girl I work most closely with (a wonderful, wonderful girl whose friendship in the office means so much to me) and explained that she shouldn't take anything I say/do personally, and that I'd be acting weird for a while, because New Girl is pregnant (I didn't even mention the due date thing). And this girl - we'll call her Runway (she used to model) - this girl who isn't close to wanting babies yet and certainly hasn't lost any, her eyes welled up. I told her that I might have to look for another job because I just didn't think I could do it, and she got even more sad, but said she'd understand if it came to that.

That night, I emailed Runway to thank her for her kindness and empathy, since I know that my particular craziness is off her radar. She responded with, among other things, "Don't worry - I've got your back." And with that, the icy loneliness and fear in me started to melt.

I had also emailed another coworker, my friend A, to warn her. Her response was full of empathy and kindness, and so the ice melted just a bit more.

My final email was to my boss. I let him know exactly what was going on and how I didn't know if I would be able to continue working there, even though I am loving my job right now. I told him that I am just not willing to risk completely losing my mind for it.

He responded that he thinks I am a very valuable employee, and doesn't want to lose me. We are in the middle of some scheduling changes and he mentioned that he would try to work things out so, basically, preggo and I aren't around each other too much. He also suggested possibly moving my workstation into the office the doctors share.

And then he wrote "Let me know if you need anything else. I am willing to put up with a lot if you are willing to give it a go." And with that, the rest of the ice was gone.

I forget it sometimes, but I am a lucky lady to be valued so much by the people with whom I spend the bulk of my waking hours.

((And of course, the feel-good vibe is taking a hit from the bad voice in my head, which says  "Wow, I am a seriously fucked up person if my whole office has to be rearranged to accommodate my craziness. I mean, the girl is pregnant! It should be a happy time in the office, not one of walking on eggshells because I can't cope with life." That stupid mother fucker never completely goes away.))


Oooh, and I've won a blog award! Hopefully tomorrow I'll post about that and my Making Babies beginnings.

18 comments:

  1. Oh, that is so lovely about your co-workers. Now tell that voice in your head to STFU! Sometimes you have to let other people know what you need. You have been through a lot and you ahould be proud of yourself for asking for the support that you need and reaching out to people. You are awesome!! :)

    PS. It was great to see you stop by my blog the other day, just wanted to make sure you know that it's no longer on blogger but at theconceivablefuture.com.

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  2. You're so fortunate to work with such understanding people. I'm glad that the situation is better (because as it was before sounded unbearable).

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  3. I teared up reading your post. I'm so glad that you're getting the support you need at work and that they value you so much to make the effort. You're definitely worth it!

    Lots of hugs!
    -Shannon

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  4. I think it is testament to you as a person that these people care so much and want you there - obviously you are a valued person and employee, its great they are willing to show you that. I'm please for you - as pleased as I can be in such a crappy situation. Lap it up and feel special! x

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  5. That is very wonderful. I know from working in HR that a good employee is a treasure. You will find empathy everywhere, if you open your heart to it. I know that when I finally did have a successful pregnancy my co-workers took excellent care of me which made me feel so good, because they were as happy as I was.

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  6. That's wonderful, I'm so glad you have that kind of support in your office. You can tell the "bad voice" to shut it!

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  7. Aww, your coworkers and boss mentioned sound great! It's amazing sometimes where support will be found!

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  8. Wow that is amazing of your co-workers and boss to be so understanding and supportive. I'm so happy that they're trying to make you more comfortable. And if you want I can go punch preggo girl in the taco. :)

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  9. Wow, that is really amazing that they did that. I am often surprised by the compassion of others when you need it. And totally understand about how that little voice never goes away.

    Thank you for your comment on my blog, I've been having a low spot and it really means a lot.

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  10. This is so great to hear! I am always impressed with how people respond with such empathy. I have done so much work in my head, creating these situations, which never really end up coming to fruition. I'm glad that the ice got to melt. It feels good. Enjoy the support you're getting at work. You don't have to go it alone. :)

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  11. I'm glad you have thawed out and understand how valued and supported you are in the workforce.

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  12. Very very sweet. I know that means so much!!

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  13. I'm so glad you have such great support at work.

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  14. wow, that is fantastic about your co-workers and boss. you are very lucky to have such supportive people around you.

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  15. That is amazing! They are the model friends and coworkers (and BOSS!)

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  16. And while we're being kind...I sent you a super cheesy award. Why? Because I love the way you dig deep into your soul and share the dirty rotten fucking truth of RPL! I was so blessed to have found you.

    So check out my blog, and go pick up your LOVE!

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  17. Here from ICLW! Wow, what a compassionate friend and a wonderful boss. Thanks for sharing - stories like that, of people who actually say the right things instead of all the wrong things, warm my heart:)

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  18. Awwwwwwww. I am so sorry this is happening, but so glad you have the support you need at work!

    Thank you so much for your kind words this week. It's been devastating to lose such a close friend, but having this as a venue for grief and hearing back from everyone has made just a little more bearable.
    AP

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