Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Happy fucking birthday

Damn. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm totally dreading it.
Hubby and I are at odds right now. It always seems to happen when I'm on a down swing - he has empathy and compassion for a good long while, and then, he's had enough and all my sadness does is piss him off. I never feel quite right when we're at odds - it feels like I'm trying to make my way through the day with only one contact lens, or something like that. Eventually, we'll talk through it and be fine. In the meantime, though, I flounder, because......

I have no fucking friends. Seriously. The five years that I've been in hell have completely isolated me from any friends I had before (even the 20 year friendships that I thought could survive anything). And somehow, the person I used to be - the girl who could make friends with anyone, anytime - has disappeared. I don't even know how to make a new friend anymore, how to connect with someone over anything other than loss. Truthfully, I'm not even sure that I want to. I don't know how to explain my craziness to an outsider. All of our couple friends are really Hubby's friends and couldn't care less about me. All of it makes me kind of mad - when shit started to go wrong in my life, people stopped calling, stopped wanting to do things. My core group of friends from NY are all still pretty tight with each other, and wouldn't you know, these are all girls who have had good happy things in their lives over the last few years. I can't remember the last time I heard from one of them. They know of our trials and have cut us out of their lives as if my RPL is some kind of tumor that could spread to them. And so, the reality is, when Hubby and I are off, I have no one to go grab a bite to eat with, or to gab on the phone with, or whatever the fuck it is that girls do with their friends.

I did try to reach out to the new girl at work, who just moved here from another state. I sent her a message inviting her to brunch (I knew her husband was out of town). I felt all nervous while I was doing it, and I checked all day for a response that never came. REJECTED! Of course, I found out a few days later that she's knocked up so it's probably better off that way.

Speaking of New Girl, her belly has popped. I am back to having a sky high anxiety level at work despite my wonderful boss. I just don't think I can sit next to her, listen to her talk about her body changing and the stresses of pregnancy, see her growing belly, and not imagine that that should be my life.

I called off all birthday celebrations this year in an email to Hubby's parents:

Hi guys,
Hope you had a great trip!
I just wanted to let you know that we will not be celebrating my birthday this year. Let me explain: My first pregnancy happened at 27 years old. I will be turning 33 this year, and, obviously, we are still childless. Each year, I have stood by and watched as everyone around me has baby after baby, growing their families. Each year, I feel like I have failed, and this year my birthday is especially depressing. I have no desire to celebrate the passing of another year, and the fact that it is less and less likely that we will ever be parents to a live child.
I know you cannot imagine what this is like, but it breaks my heart that I cannot have the children your son deserves and desires to father.
Please understand that I love you all and while it means a lot to me that you want to make my birthday special, I just can't put on a happy face and pretend this year. I just can't.
I hope you can understand, or at the very least, respect, this.

I don't know what I expected from them, but a response - something - would have been nice. Instead, they called Hubby to talk about it. Every time I reach out, I get slapped down. My MIL talks about how she wants to feel close to me, but clearly that's not true. Oh well. Why should she care about me when her other daughter-in-law is about to give birth?
 
Another year. Another fucking year.I just want to wake up tomorrow and be someone else. Please, please, someone make that happen.

16 comments:

  1. Uggghhh, I know the feeling!!!! (((HUGS)))

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  2. This probably isn't going to make you feel any better but I'm sure many people don't know what to say or don't want to upset you. The not wanting to upset someone really gets me...as if I don't think about RPL all the time and as if I'm not already pretty much upset about it all the time.

    I'm sorry you feel alone. I get to the point where sometimes I don't even want to leave my house. I don't want to listen to women bitching about their kids. I don't want to deal with comments and questions from people and I don't want to see pregnant women.

    I wish there were something more I could offer other than support here. Know though that at least here, you aren't alone.

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  3. I agree with Kelly, I think a lot of people withdraw or don't respond because they don't know what to say. Which is not okay. One of my douchiest friends during all of this, who totally disappeared on me the second she got pregnant, her brother died a few years ago. Overdose, questionably intentional. My brothers are alive. Does that mean I won't fucking talk to her about it? No. I called her every year on the anniversary of his death, just to say "I love you and and am thinking of you." Why the fuck is that so hard for so many people to do? Why do they think that since they can't see our losses, we shouldn't either?

    Oh, and fuck birthdays. I boycotted my own last week too.

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  4. Happy early birthday even though I know you aren't happy :(
    I would get together with you anytime. I just feel bad, I don't want to make you feel any worse than you already do and I know how hard it is to be around woman that are pregnant. Not that many people even know that I am pregnant because I am afraid to annouce it this time and then it be all over.
    Seriously, please tell me what I can do to help you. Please know I am here if you need ANYTHING and if you don't want my help I totally understand.

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  5. I feel the same way on my birthday. My birthday will always be tainted as it was the day, when I was 6 months pregnant, that I found out my little girls wouldn't make it much further. Forever stung, on my birthday.

    Not only that, it's that same old crap of still being childless, like you describe here. What is there to celebrate, really? That's how I've felt. It's an awkward feeling.

    And yes, I've had friends that have stopped calling too. Just removing themselves from my existence because it makes THEM feel uncomfortable. Not fair, or right.

    All you can hope for, is that it won't always be this way. At some point, your birthday will be a happy time again. Thinking of you and wishing you better days ahead.

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  6. You describe very well the isolation from all angles that happens...and sometimes even from your spouse. What I do then is something that I enjoy by myself, maybe reading a book in the bathtub, or going for a walk with an audiobook, or something all alone but peaceful, just so that I can get centred and feel that I am ok even when all by my lonesome. Tomorrow will come and go, and then you will feel better.

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  7. Sorry you are on the outs with your husband right now. And I totally know where you're coming from on the birthday thing. I did immerse myself in mine this year, but it was mostly because I just needed to be out of the house and doing something- anything- to distract myself. But as soon as the distractions ended... bam, there was the depression waiting for me again, because it'd never really left.

    I can also relate to the whole issue with friends/family. I do still have two friends who stand by me, but it's only because they also have had rough lives so far so they can understand. Everyone else? Pfft, they dropped like flies. With each loss I lost more and more contact with people, and I totally get what you means about how in a way it's good. I have so much trouble relating to them anymore, even if we still had contact, I know my own pent up emotions would make it too difficult to maintain. (and also, they're all at the age where they're having children now, and I hate it) I'm really shy and introverted, so I haven't a clue how to make friends. Mine have always came to me (which explains why I'm an introvert surrounded by extreme extroverts).

    Sorry you are having a hard time right now. I get it, I really do. It sucks. (*hugs*)

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  8. I'm so sorry. I know how what a painful reminder each passing birthday can be of what we don't have yet, and what we have lost, especially for us longterm TTCers (I'm at 4.5 years--age 26-31). My 28th birthday was five days before my first pregnancy loss, 5 days after I'd found out I wasn't going to stay pregnant. Despite all that, somehow that birthday ended up being kind of ok. I hope yours somehow is, too. Wishing you a good day in spite of everything.

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  9. I'm sorry you are feeling so down and that you and Hubby are at odds. I'm sure you guys will work it out.

    I know this birthday feeling oh so well. I was 32 when we started, 37 now. It really is horrible.

    You have us, you bloggy friends. Take heart, my friend. Thinking of you.

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  10. Twice in my life I have been completely abandoned by my friends. Once was a traumatic experience when I needed them most, and now with infertility. They have withdrawn, but I also stopped making the effort. It became too tiring to pretend to be happy, and nobody could give me the sensitivity I needed.

    I know it's not much help to you, but you aren't alone. Many of us are in the same position, feeling the same feelings. I know the pain, the not being able to cope with people, the resisting celebrations.

    I guess, life does go on. It sucks beyond belief that it has to go out without what we all so desperately want. I really hope things get better for you. You will be in my thoughts.

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  11. I'm back to wish you a great day. Try to find something that makes you happy. Whether that's chocolate, liquor, sex...you know...whatever floats your boat! ;) We are all here to love on you!!!

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  12. I'm so sorry. Birthdays are so hard and lost friendships are so hard and distance with your husband is so hard. I hope things get better and you can try to find a way to treat yourself on your birthday...

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  13. So sorry for how crappy you are feeling. Birthdays are hard when it feels like your life is moving forward. And thanks for your post...my husband gets the exact same way...sweet and supportive until he's had enough and he just can't handle me being sad anymore. And I too feel very isolated by all this and also the death of my little brother a few years back...I feel like I'm living outside the real world...
    Anyway, just wanted to wish you peace during this difficult time.Take care and I hope things look brighter for you tomorrow...

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  14. Oh, yeah, I'm right there with you. With the husband, with the friendships, with the birthdays. I have no idea what our family building future will bring.

    I love my DBM cohort online, but most have gone on to their subsequent or adoptive child. My dear friends in real life all have children (not babies anymore: children), or are in the years just before TTC. I love all of them, but I feel very much alone.

    We had plans this year, my husband and I, and I wound up calling him in tears, asking if we could just stay in. Five and a half years since we started trying (though we've taken several breaks for various reasons).

    I'm sorry to make this all about me. Just wanted to let you know that there are others out there who understand. I'm thinking about you today.

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  15. I'm so sorry you're feeling isolated. I wish your in-laws had responded to your thoughtful email. I remember giving my in-laws the book "Waiting for Daisy" and I begged my MIL to read it so she would try to understand how we felt. Years later, I found the book buried in her garage, clearly NOT read. I stole it back. I was so pissed.

    I wish I could hang out with you. Where do you live? Jerky fair weather friends suck.

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