evolution

No, I'm not going to engage in the whole "did we crawl out of the ooze or did god snap his fingers and create us" debate (although I side with science on that one). I'm talking about a different kind of evolution here - the evolution from single woman to married woman to mother.

There are many aspects of my job that I love - the days when I get to play with puppies and kittens, and love on patients needing some tlc. The days when everything goes right and pet owners agree with recommended treatment plans and everyone goes home happy.

Then there are the awful awful days - euthanasias of beloved pets suck, as do people who neglect and/or abuse their pets, or refuse treatment because of cost (and then get into their shiny luxury cars to drive home). People who expect me to diagnose their animal over the phone, and then bitch me out when I tell them they need to come in for an exam, suck.

And then there are the days, like today, when I'm slapped in the face with the reality of my own non-evolution.

You see, somewhere in the woman-wife-mother evolution lies the jump into pet ownership. Perhaps it's just couples wanting to test the water and try out a pet before they try for baby. Maybe people have been waiting to get "settled" before they tackle pet ownership. But time after time, I see it. The single girl with a boyfriend and a dog announces the name change, the evolution into married woman. Months later, she comes in with her gloriously swollen belly, looking for advice on the seamless integration of baby into the family. More months later, and she comes in with kid and pet, looking exhausted but marvelling over how well the pet and baby get along.

I had one of those days today - a woman with a hugely pregnant belly and a sick cat. We've been seeing a lot of her lately, as they've been trying to get all of their furry charges updated and checked out before the new arrival wreaks havoc on their lives. Every time I see her, I see how she's grown. I picture her baby, safe and snuggled inside her, and wonder why I can't have that.

I realized, as I looked at her today, how stuck I really am. I want to evolve into a mother, I do. I'm ready for it. I was ready three years ago, when I took this job on a part time, temporary basis - you know, until I popped out a kid and quit to be a stay-at-home mom. It's turned into a full time, permanent for now job. And while I woke up today loving it and looking forward to the day, I left hating it. But really, I hate the road my life has turned down. I hate being stuck. I feel like a little kid, always looking toward the future, just wanting to get where I'm going.

Oh, and Wednesday would be my due date for cletus, the babe who lived in my tube. The only one of my brood to have actually developed, only in the wrong place. I cannot believe I just realized this now. And I get to have root canal part 3 that morning, instead of getting things ready for cletus.

I'm thinking there will be some wine consumed Wednesday, even if I have to suck it out of my shirt because I can't get my numb lips to work appropriately on a glass. To hell with Operation No Regrets.

Operation No Regrets: revised

Yesterday was an absolutely incredible day. Out of the blue, we got a phone call that an attorney friend of the family, who happens to handle adoptions, had a 3 day old baby he needed to place. Hubby and I were ready to jump at the chance to be parents. We were thrilled, literally shaking with anticipation, at the thought that we might have a chance. Our minds ran to the gazillion things that needed to be done around the house. We knew, of course, that it was a long shot, since we haven't had a home study done yet. And, as it turns out, our anticipation was both premature and short lived.

This baby who needed a home actually had four couples interested in becoming parents. And of course, these four all had completed home studies. Once again, hopes dashed. Of course, it wasn't an unexpected turn of events, but the disappointment still stung. However, Hubby and I had any and all doubts/fears that we might have had about adoption completely erased: the excitement we felt at the prospect! the willingness to do whatever it might take to be approved! the feeling of wondering WHEN we could become parents, as opposed to IF!

We've decided to pursue adoption. As in, attending some meetings next month to get the home study ball rolling. Figuring out who we can beg, borrow and steal from to meet our expected expenses. We're going for it. I have not felt this upbeat for a long long time. We know the process might take longer than we'd like, and the road will be paved with frustrations, but we've become experts at dealing with frustrations.

We'll also be starting clomid next month. It seems a little crazy to be actively trying to conceive while starting the adoption process, but it feels right. It just feels right. I mean, me getting pregnant and staying pregnant is such a long shot at this point, but I feel like I should give the assisted ovulation aspect a try. Why should that stop me from trying another avenue toward parenthood as well? The agency we'd like to work with does not have any restrictions regarding ttc for infertiles, so why not?

Hubby and I have always discussed adding to our family through adoption, even before my many miscarriages and issues came to light. We just thought we'd have bio kids first. I'm okay with it not happening that way. I just want to be a mom.

So Operation No Regrets is in full effect, with a twist. And I'm beyond thrilled. I did, however, indulge in some wine last Saturday night, and I may this Saturday as well. If you can't indulge when your sixth dead baby like entity is slowly leaking out of you, when can you?

Operation No Regrets

Second beta = 3. Loss confirmed.

I spoke to my RE this morning and he thinks that we "need help." (Um, really? Ya think so? I love my doctor beyond belief but I think that's obvious at this point). He really thinks IVF, possibly with pre-implantation genetic screening, is the way to go. He also does not think that I'm insane for wanting to try again.

If you had asked me two years ago, I would have said that I had absolutely no interest in pursuing IVF. Hubby and I, at that time, thought that the money would be better spent on adoption. Oh, how times change. I'm really sold on this idea of having no regrets whatsoever on our baby-making mission, and so I'm considering it. Cost is a factor though, and since we'll need to save up for our clinic's program, we're going to try some smaller guns in the meantime.

Doctor Obvious sees no need to pursue further testing at this point, since we've had so many tests, including genetic karyotyping, done already. We have formulated a plan to embark on Operation No Regrets after my next cycle. At this point, the plan is: try Clomid alone, then try Clomid + IUI, then try injectables + IUI, and then move on to IVF if necessary (and if we can afford it). My biggest fear regarding IVF is that if it fails, we'll have dumped all of our moolah into it and will have nothing left for adoption, but we'll cross those bridges when we get to them. As part of ONR, I will be excising caffeine and alcohol from my life. Today, though, I am enjoying cocktails made with Mountain Dew and SoCo and am feeling deliciously numb. And hot. Seriously, when is this midwestern heat and humidity wave going to end? I'm on my patio right now, and I feel like I'm breathing soup.

I feel surprisingly ok about all of this, but that could change at any moment. I wish we were wealthy, and had every option open to us right now, but alas, we aren't. We did, however, play the lotto today. Seriously, our luck has got to change at some point, right? If we win (yeah right) I'd like to pay for treatment for other couples who can't afford it, because infertility sucks when your pockets aren't deep.

Hubby took the day off today to hang with me, and I have to say, it's been great. We've been laughing a lot (because our only other option is to curl up in a hole somewhere and die) and enjoying each other's company. I'm super glad we share the same dark sense of humor, because otherwise, shit would be awkward. Case in point: returning from the store with our SoCo and Mountain Dew, he let me carry the bags. And I said "Sure, let your miscarrying wife carry the bags for you. I guess if I can't carry a child, I might as well carry the groceries, huh?" And he said "Absolutely. Make yourself useful." And we both cracked up. God, do I love that man.

And tomorrow I begin my clean living regime, and the start of ONR. Hope abounds where it shouldn't. Wish me luck. Oh, and if anyone has any advice about entering the world of fertility drugs and whatnot, I'd love to hear it. I have a feeling it's going to be a crazy ride.