Eight years have passed. It’s hard to believe it: eight years have passed since that awful, awful day, since everything changed. My memories of that day, and the chaotic, wrenching days afterward are so vivid. I cannot, even now, see pictures of the towers and keep my breath, or hold back the tears.
There is a family in Rye, NY remembering a father, a husband, a brother lost that day. A man named Francis Noel McGuinn, who went to work at Cantor Fitzgerald that sunny Tuesday morning, just as he would have any other day. Although I never met Frank, I am sure he was the kind of dad to his three daughters that any little girl would cherish. He was a man of many layers – he loved showtunes and singing, and family time, and yet Frank had a tougher side as well – he was a military history buff , and regretted that he did not have the opportunity to serve in Vietnam.
Take a moment today to remember Frank, a man so filled with life that, according to his wife, "If we were out to dinner and there was a combo, he didn't need much prodding to go up there and sing." Take a moment to think of his family, and the thousands of other families whose hearts were broken that awful day, eight years ago.
This was written as part of Project 2996, an effort to celebrate the lives lost on 9/11/01.
Click the links below to learn more and to read more tributes.
http://project2996.wordpress.com/what-is-2996/
http://project2996.wordpress.com/
http://www.nytimes.com/library/national/met_MISSING_1108_mcguinn.html
http://www.cdharrison.net/mcguinn.htm
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
questions
Do we move on to IVF once we get the money settled or go for adoption first?
Could I handle another loss after all of the hassle of IVF?
Why would we even consider trying to get pregnant again after so many losses?
Why am I afraid Aunt Flo will show up this weekend?
Why am I afraid she won't?
Why do I care so much?
Why do I turn into a jealous, sobbing mess every time someone else announces a pregnancy?
Why do I see preggos EVERYWHERE?
Why do I feel like the last kid picked on the schoolyard?
When does it get to be our turn?
Why can't I appreciate what I DO have?
Why is this my life?
Could I handle another loss after all of the hassle of IVF?
Why would we even consider trying to get pregnant again after so many losses?
Why am I afraid Aunt Flo will show up this weekend?
Why am I afraid she won't?
Why do I care so much?
Why do I turn into a jealous, sobbing mess every time someone else announces a pregnancy?
Why do I see preggos EVERYWHERE?
Why do I feel like the last kid picked on the schoolyard?
When does it get to be our turn?
Why can't I appreciate what I DO have?
Why is this my life?
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
pity party redux
Just found out that yet another friend is knocked up. That brings the number of children that will have been born to friends/family since we began trying to 15. This does not include acquaintances, friends of friends, etc. This does include smokers, drinkers, the unemployed (and not looking!), drug users, a single mother, and several doomed marriages.
Fuck my life.
Fuck my life.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Happiness is fleeting
Happiness is fleeting. And positive thinking is likewise making a hasty retreat.
I have been trying – although it’s been a struggle – to think positively about our family building future. And for the most part, it’s been working. I’ve been happier, more cheerful than I have been in a long time.
(Even though the aniiversary of my due date for my first pregnancy is fast approaching. Even though I’m constantly smacked with the realization that I should have a three year old. Even though no one realizes this/cares but me.)
But today, I reverted from Positive Polly to Negative Nelly completely. And what was the catalyst? Some momentous occasion? The arrival of Aunt Flo, perhaps? Oh no, internets, simply a meeting with a local sales rep. A sales rep who happens to have both a healthy three year old, and a healthy newborn. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks: she has conceived, gestated (is that a word?), and given birth to two children, all in the time that it has taken me to fail miserably at having just one.
Sigh. I just can’t believe how quick it can happen, that trip into Grief-ville. One minute – fine. The next minute – hiding in the bathroom so I can cry like a baby in private.
I’m trying to claw my way back to Positive Polly, I just don’t know if I can get there. (See, there I go, being negative again!)
I'll leave you with a quote that I just love (I guess I am truly massive!):
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
-Khalil Gibran
I have been trying – although it’s been a struggle – to think positively about our family building future. And for the most part, it’s been working. I’ve been happier, more cheerful than I have been in a long time.
(Even though the aniiversary of my due date for my first pregnancy is fast approaching. Even though I’m constantly smacked with the realization that I should have a three year old. Even though no one realizes this/cares but me.)
But today, I reverted from Positive Polly to Negative Nelly completely. And what was the catalyst? Some momentous occasion? The arrival of Aunt Flo, perhaps? Oh no, internets, simply a meeting with a local sales rep. A sales rep who happens to have both a healthy three year old, and a healthy newborn. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks: she has conceived, gestated (is that a word?), and given birth to two children, all in the time that it has taken me to fail miserably at having just one.
Sigh. I just can’t believe how quick it can happen, that trip into Grief-ville. One minute – fine. The next minute – hiding in the bathroom so I can cry like a baby in private.
I’m trying to claw my way back to Positive Polly, I just don’t know if I can get there. (See, there I go, being negative again!)
I'll leave you with a quote that I just love (I guess I am truly massive!):
Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
-Khalil Gibran
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
weird
So, remember yesterday's post? About positivity, and the like? And the one before that, about money (or the lack thereof) getting in the way of our adoption plans?
My mom just sent me an email with my horoscope:
You could be celebrating in the very near future, Aquarius! If you've been waiting for a financial refund, extra cash or a return on an investment, then you're in luck because it could materialize over the next months. Be confident that life is headed in the right direction. Think positive. It's time to move forward in pursuit of your dreams and hopes.
Guess I should buy some lotto tickets or something!
My mom just sent me an email with my horoscope:
You could be celebrating in the very near future, Aquarius! If you've been waiting for a financial refund, extra cash or a return on an investment, then you're in luck because it could materialize over the next months. Be confident that life is headed in the right direction. Think positive. It's time to move forward in pursuit of your dreams and hopes.
Guess I should buy some lotto tickets or something!
Monday, August 24, 2009
The blessings of IF.....
I've been realizing lately - with the help of my wonderful Hubby - that I need to put some effort into having a positive outlook. It is just so easy for me, and I'm sure for others in the same/similar boat, to be dragged down into the deep dark by hopelessness and despair.
In my head, logically, I know that things will eventually work out, somehow, some way, for us. My impatience and frustration have been at the forefront for so long, so today, I'm going to change things up a little.
I saw this on another IF blog, and while I would love to give credit where it is due, I have completely forgotten (been doing a lot of reading lately!).
HOW HAS DEALING WITH FERTILITY HELL IMPROVED MY LIFE?
(I figure if I can put a positive spin on this, then I am well on my way to transforming from
Negative Nelly to Positive Polly).
1. I have so much empathy for anyone dealing with any sort of IF. Before all of this, I might have thought that anyone who puts so much on the line just to have a baby must be a little nutso. I know better now. Or maybe I'm just nutso myself?
2. IF has taught me empathy towards anyone dealing with loss, illness, struggle in general.One of the most frustrating things about being a "habitual aborter" (don't you just LOVE that term?) has been the lack of compassion from others who have not been there. I am sure this is true of people dealing with many other things. I always try to put myself in others' shoes(always with socks, of course!) and not judge. I had an interesting conversation several months ago with a friend who has Crohn's disease. She was involved in a fundraiser and had just sent out a mass email explaining how the disease has affected her life, which she said was a huge step
for her. It really struck me when she said "I normally don't talk about it, because I don't want people to define me by it." This is EXACTLY how I felt for years regarding RPL. And I know that this friend is such a wonderful person that no one would ever define her by her disease. Hopefully, the people that I've been opening up to feel the same way about me.
3. RPL is one of those things that can make or break a marriage. Because of it, my bondwith Hubby has been forged in steel (or whatever metal might be stronger than steel). I cherish him more than ever, now that we've been together through the most awful shit that's ever happened to either of us.
4. I've learned to open up to people, and to own my emotions. It's okay to cry (before this, though, I could never have imagined myself, in an ultrasound room, sobbing my eyes out while clutching the hands of my doctor and my husband, both of whom were crying as well). I've forged connections with people that never would have been in my life otherwise, and I've become a source of strength for others.
5. I've learned a very painful lesson about finances. Depression and grief are no excuse for letting your credit score take a nose dive, because this in turn can create more grief and depression. We make PLENTY of money. We could have saved for all of our adoption expenses, or at the very least, have had our bills paid on time so that our credit was good enough to get a short term loan. Hindsight is 20/20, right? At least we can look forward...
6. Last but not least, I've become a much healthier person in my quest to achieve
successful pregnancy. I eat a mostly organic, and mostly balanced diet. I exercise more. I drink less. I've even made great inroads into kicking the caffeine addiction - I'm down to ONE (albeit large) half-caff cup of coffee per day. This, from someone who used to routinely drink a pot of full-caff coffee before work, and then down a highly caffeinated energy drink in the afternoon. In short, I am much more careful about what I put in my body, and what I expose myself to.
Well, this list is about 6 items longer than I thought it'd be when I started working on it.
Drop me a comment - how has IF improved YOUR life?
In my head, logically, I know that things will eventually work out, somehow, some way, for us. My impatience and frustration have been at the forefront for so long, so today, I'm going to change things up a little.
I saw this on another IF blog, and while I would love to give credit where it is due, I have completely forgotten (been doing a lot of reading lately!).
HOW HAS DEALING WITH FERTILITY HELL IMPROVED MY LIFE?
(I figure if I can put a positive spin on this, then I am well on my way to transforming from
Negative Nelly to Positive Polly).
1. I have so much empathy for anyone dealing with any sort of IF. Before all of this, I might have thought that anyone who puts so much on the line just to have a baby must be a little nutso. I know better now. Or maybe I'm just nutso myself?
2. IF has taught me empathy towards anyone dealing with loss, illness, struggle in general.One of the most frustrating things about being a "habitual aborter" (don't you just LOVE that term?) has been the lack of compassion from others who have not been there. I am sure this is true of people dealing with many other things. I always try to put myself in others' shoes(always with socks, of course!) and not judge. I had an interesting conversation several months ago with a friend who has Crohn's disease. She was involved in a fundraiser and had just sent out a mass email explaining how the disease has affected her life, which she said was a huge step
for her. It really struck me when she said "I normally don't talk about it, because I don't want people to define me by it." This is EXACTLY how I felt for years regarding RPL. And I know that this friend is such a wonderful person that no one would ever define her by her disease. Hopefully, the people that I've been opening up to feel the same way about me.
3. RPL is one of those things that can make or break a marriage. Because of it, my bondwith Hubby has been forged in steel (or whatever metal might be stronger than steel). I cherish him more than ever, now that we've been together through the most awful shit that's ever happened to either of us.
4. I've learned to open up to people, and to own my emotions. It's okay to cry (before this, though, I could never have imagined myself, in an ultrasound room, sobbing my eyes out while clutching the hands of my doctor and my husband, both of whom were crying as well). I've forged connections with people that never would have been in my life otherwise, and I've become a source of strength for others.
5. I've learned a very painful lesson about finances. Depression and grief are no excuse for letting your credit score take a nose dive, because this in turn can create more grief and depression. We make PLENTY of money. We could have saved for all of our adoption expenses, or at the very least, have had our bills paid on time so that our credit was good enough to get a short term loan. Hindsight is 20/20, right? At least we can look forward...
6. Last but not least, I've become a much healthier person in my quest to achieve
successful pregnancy. I eat a mostly organic, and mostly balanced diet. I exercise more. I drink less. I've even made great inroads into kicking the caffeine addiction - I'm down to ONE (albeit large) half-caff cup of coffee per day. This, from someone who used to routinely drink a pot of full-caff coffee before work, and then down a highly caffeinated energy drink in the afternoon. In short, I am much more careful about what I put in my body, and what I expose myself to.
Well, this list is about 6 items longer than I thought it'd be when I started working on it.
Drop me a comment - how has IF improved YOUR life?
Thursday, August 20, 2009
premature argumentation
**Warning: F-bombs ahead**
Thanks for all of the comments/advice on my last post, ladies. We actually did reach a compromise, as someone suggested, of me having ultimate veto power over any baby furniture decisions.
Looks like we argued too soon.
Our loan application was denied. Fuck. Options now are: 1. Take out a home equity line of credit (if we're even approved), which Hubby doesn't want to do because he doesn't want our house to be mortgaged to the hilt. 2. Beg for a loan from family members (not likely to happen - the Hubs has that whole male pride thing going on, and no one in my family has a pot to piss in, much less money to lend) or 3. Go the old fashioned way, and save up the half of the money we need to make this happen.
Option 3 sucks ass. Option 3 means MORE waiting, MORE time of my life being on hold. But it looks like Option 3, it'll be.
I definitely had a breakdown yesterday. It seems that every time I get excited/happy about something in relation to having a child, it gets snatched away. And of course, I feel tremendous guilt about the whole situation. You see, I've always handled the bills in our house. Hubby has neither the time nor the inclination to do so. Money stuff is not my strong point, though, and through these years of pregnancy/loss/frustration/depression, I let some things slip. Like making sure bills get paid on time (they always get paid though!). Apparently, our credit ratings have suffered greatly, and we're not a great credit risk.
Fuck.
Thanks for all of the comments/advice on my last post, ladies. We actually did reach a compromise, as someone suggested, of me having ultimate veto power over any baby furniture decisions.
Looks like we argued too soon.
Our loan application was denied. Fuck. Options now are: 1. Take out a home equity line of credit (if we're even approved), which Hubby doesn't want to do because he doesn't want our house to be mortgaged to the hilt. 2. Beg for a loan from family members (not likely to happen - the Hubs has that whole male pride thing going on, and no one in my family has a pot to piss in, much less money to lend) or 3. Go the old fashioned way, and save up the half of the money we need to make this happen.
Option 3 sucks ass. Option 3 means MORE waiting, MORE time of my life being on hold. But it looks like Option 3, it'll be.
I definitely had a breakdown yesterday. It seems that every time I get excited/happy about something in relation to having a child, it gets snatched away. And of course, I feel tremendous guilt about the whole situation. You see, I've always handled the bills in our house. Hubby has neither the time nor the inclination to do so. Money stuff is not my strong point, though, and through these years of pregnancy/loss/frustration/depression, I let some things slip. Like making sure bills get paid on time (they always get paid though!). Apparently, our credit ratings have suffered greatly, and we're not a great credit risk.
Fuck.
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