Monday, August 24, 2009

The blessings of IF.....

I've been realizing lately - with the help of my wonderful Hubby - that I need to put some effort into having a positive outlook. It is just so easy for me, and I'm sure for others in the same/similar boat, to be dragged down into the deep dark by hopelessness and despair.

In my head, logically, I know that things will eventually work out, somehow, some way, for us. My impatience and frustration have been at the forefront for so long, so today, I'm going to change things up a little.

I saw this on another IF blog, and while I would love to give credit where it is due, I have completely forgotten (been doing a lot of reading lately!).

(I figure if I can put a positive spin on this, then I am well on my way to transforming from
Negative Nelly to Positive Polly).

1. I have so much empathy for anyone dealing with any sort of IF. Before all of this, I might have thought that anyone who puts so much on the line just to have a baby must be a little nutso. I know better now. Or maybe I'm just nutso myself?

2. IF has taught me empathy towards anyone dealing with loss, illness, struggle in general.One of the most frustrating things about being a "habitual aborter" (don't you just LOVE that term?) has been the lack of compassion from others who have not been there. I am sure this is true of people dealing with many other things. I always try to put myself in others' shoes(always with socks, of course!) and not judge. I had an interesting conversation several months ago with a friend who has Crohn's disease. She was involved in a fundraiser and had just sent out a mass email explaining how the disease has affected her life, which she said was a huge step
for her. It really struck me when she said "I normally don't talk about it, because I don't want people to define me by it." This is EXACTLY how I felt for years regarding RPL. And I know that this friend is such a wonderful person that no one would ever define her by her disease. Hopefully, the people that I've been opening up to feel the same way about me.

3. RPL is one of those things that can make or break a marriage. Because of it, my bondwith Hubby has been forged in steel (or whatever metal might be stronger than steel). I cherish him more than ever, now that we've been together through the most awful shit that's ever happened to either of us.

4. I've learned to open up to people, and to own my emotions. It's okay to cry (before this, though, I could never have imagined myself, in an ultrasound room, sobbing my eyes out while clutching the hands of my doctor and my husband, both of whom were crying as well). I've forged connections with people that never would have been in my life otherwise, and I've become a source of strength for others.

5. I've learned a very painful lesson about finances. Depression and grief are no excuse for letting your credit score take a nose dive, because this in turn can create more grief and depression. We make PLENTY of money. We could have saved for all of our adoption expenses, or at the very least, have had our bills paid on time so that our credit was good enough to get a short term loan. Hindsight is 20/20, right? At least we can look forward...

6. Last but not least, I've become a much healthier person in my quest to achieve
successful pregnancy. I eat a mostly organic, and mostly balanced diet. I exercise more. I drink less. I've even made great inroads into kicking the caffeine addiction - I'm down to ONE (albeit large) half-caff cup of coffee per day. This, from someone who used to routinely drink a pot of full-caff coffee before work, and then down a highly caffeinated energy drink in the afternoon. In short, I am much more careful about what I put in my body, and what I expose myself to.

Well, this list is about 6 items longer than I thought it'd be when I started working on it.

Drop me a comment - how has IF improved YOUR life?


  1. Interesting train of thought... I think it has caused me to live in the moment more. To celebrate each small milestone, to not be looking nine months down the road, and to realistic about what could happen.

    Thanks for making me think!

  2. Inspiring thoughts. Not exactly IF, but surrogacy has made me look at people differently and consider how our past and present circumstances affect our decisions and priorities. We are both sculpted by and simultaneously create our personal reality.It's an intricate dance, and one that takes considerable energy to keep in balance.

  3. I love hearing about the positive sides because it helps me see them too. It really does an incredible thing to relationships, doesn't it? We're far from perfect, but my husband and I are learning all the time how to be better partners, which hopefully will one day make us better parents.

  4. Like you said (and Busted Tube) - my relationship with my husband has changed for the better. I thought he was wonderful before all of this and now I am constantly reminded of what I have with him. We might not be parents, but we're together and he loves me.

  5. Another great post! I also love to dwell on the negatives of IF but like you, I have come to realize it has its positives...I know someday I will be an amazing mother because I'm going to cherish every cry, scream and tantrum my baby has. I'm going to weep with joy when I have to get up early in the mornings because I will actually have a baby to get up to AND SO WILL YOU! :)

  6. Wow. This makes me feel really guilty! Good for you for being all positive and shit. I'm just going to go wallow... :) (just kidding.)

  7. Lucky - Ummm, I was positive while I wrote this. The next day? A sobbing mess. I blame clomid.

    That's my new catchphrase - "Don't blame me, blame clomid!" :)

  8. What a list you wrote--I love your self-awareness. A phrase has been in my head lately (I may blog about it)--wisdom comes at a price.

    The one I really can relate to is being more aware of others' struggles. I would hate to be the one making the stupid, hurtful comment.