There was a little girl, many years ago, who lived in a home that never felt like a home, and had a family that wasn't like anyone else's. She escaped however she could - into books, into school work, to grandma's house - just to get through the days until she was big enough to get out.
This little girl loved babies and children and always spent time with any babies she could. She dreamed of running away and growing up and meeting her knight in shining armor, and being so deeply in love, and one day having babies and babies of her own, with her knight.
And she did grow up and run away and meet her knight, and he was everything she had ever dreamed of. And he loved babies too, and they planned to have lots and lots of them. But she felt uneasy, this girl, like the road to baby might be paved in heartbreak. And so, the knight and the girl decided that they would indeed try to have a baby, even though at that time they had very little money and lots and lots of debt.
The not-so-little-anymore girl dreamed of telling her knight that his baby was growing inside of her, and of growing a huge baby-filled belly, and of feeling their baby move and play inside that huge belly. She dreamed of nesting, and decorating a sweet-ass nursery, and getting her house ready for baby. She even dreamed of labor, and delivery, and had visions of a home water birth and nursing (no drugs for her!).
One morning, she got to tell the knight that his baby - their baby! - was growing inside of her belly. She had never been so happy, or more in love with her knight, who was also very, very happy.
But then, their baby, who was very much wanted and loved, died long before he was big enough to live. And so did the next baby, and the baby after that, and the baby after that, and even the next one and the one after that. And the girl and her knight were very, very sad for a long time.
One day they decided that their baby just wasn't meant to grow in her belly, and even though she was very sad, the girl knew that she wouldn't get to live her dreams. She let them go, and embraced a new dream, a dream of a baby that grew in someone else's belly.
But she couldn't let go of one little part of that dream - the nursery. She hung onto the vision of going into a shop and finding the perfect baby furniture and the perfect baby decor, sparing no expense.
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Okay, if you haven't guessed by now, the girl is me. And the knight? Well, that would be Hubby. And we had a huge fucking stupid fight about the damned nursery this weekend. Basically, he thinks we should run the cheap route (since adoption is so costly) and take whatever hand me downs we can. Me? I can't let go of that last dream. I've let go of all the rest of the baby anticipation dreams. But this one thing, I want to experience like a so-called "normal" mom. I mean, we're going into debt to fund this adoption anyway, so what's a few extra c notes in the hole?
So, if you're still reading, please chime in with a comment. Am I a complete whiny idiot for insisting on furnishing the nursery with things of my own choosing? I promise I can take it if you think so....
ETA: The only furniture in our entire house that is NOT a hand me down (or a family antique, true) is our bedroom set. Said bedroom set came from Ikea, and was purchased 4 or so years ago (and parts of it are falling apart now). So it's not exactly as if I have designer/expensive taste in these things. I just want some control, I guess.
I'm with you all the way...do not skimp on your baby furniture! If you plan on adopting more than one, then you will want good quality furniture that will last through multiple children. If one baby is all your adopting, then you will want good quality furniture that will grow with your child. Either way...you need quality furniture. And like you said, your already going into debt, so what is a little more money spent!
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds like mine. I felt like you were talking about me except for the adoption part...were not there yet.
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I agree with Jess. You could get cheap stuff, but you will probably have to replace it a few times.
ReplyDeleteAlthough... maybe a hand me down from a very rich aunt or something? That could be nice! Perhaps a compromise where you will agree to look at the secondhand furniture but you won't make promises about liking it...
I agree with the previous posts. Might as well get the good stuff (and REALLY cute stuff) so they last!
ReplyDeleteMaybe y'all can start doing some looking at some nice consignment shops or craigs list (just to show the dear hubby that you are looking for cheaper nice furniture). Explain to him that you are not willing to compromise on quality because the last thing you want is your baby to be in a crib that is falling apart.
Another idea/compromise would be if you knew someone with really nice/gently used baby furniture maybe you could refinish it. Or maybe another compromise could be that y'all buy certain items brand new (and really nice), but refinish hand me downs to match.
I just know that my husband usually agrees with me when he "feels" as though we are compromising ;)
Good luck with the nursey, can't wait to see how it turns out!!
I agree that you shouldn't sacrifice quality and definitely safety for finances. I would guess you could get a lot of baby clothes at second hand shops, but cribs and car seats are things you will use for months/years so I would rather get brand new ones that weren't drooled on by other kids. I have a germ issue. At least you can wash the crap out of second hand clothes. Plus I would imagine babies grow at such a rate that they never wear out their onesies.
ReplyDeleteWhere are you in the adoption process? Are you close to being selected? I guess I just wonder how urgently you need the nursery ready.
I think you can still get your sweet-ass nursery even with gently used items. I'd tell hubby that you are OK with used or hand me downs if you absolutely LOVE the item. If you don't love it, don't take it. I think you are right to not give up the last part of your dream.
ReplyDeleteI have two opinions. We got as much as we could of gently used stuff, but also got lots of new things. (New crib, glider rocker, swing, toys.) While I think there's something to be said for being practical, I think your situation is different. You should do whatever you need to do in order to feel like you're getting the experience. In essence, you got cheated out of something that most women are able to experience, and if shopping and making the perfect nursery will make you feel like you go more of the "experience" then I say go for it!
ReplyDeleteI say go for the good stuff!!!
ReplyDeleteI can understand how you feel. When you do get that child (however you get it) you will be spending lots of time in the nursery and I think it should be a place that you are happy and comfortable in. It's only my own opinion but I would be resentful if I couldn't have things that were just for my child (never used before). Just me.
I think you should get the things for a beautiful nursery that you want, obviously within reason.
I think you should do what feels right for you. This is the last part of your dream, the one you can control. The one you can make happen, no matter what. I understand why you want to build the best nursery just as you planned.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you and hubby just got into a stupid fight because it is one of those situations where all the underlying pain of RPL comes to the surface. I'm sure you'll work it out (hugs)