Wednesday, July 22, 2009

jagged little pill

I've done it - swallowed my first clomid this morning. The fact that I got it down is a feat in and of itself - I am a notoriously bad pill taker, reduced to chopping my cramp fighting ibuprophen into teeny tiny bits and feeling the jagged edges scrape down my throat. I don't think it's just psychological - though it may be - because I make the attempt to swallow whole pills regularly and usually end up with them stuck. But I'll do anything to make spawn, including swallowing clomid and ten little folic acid pills every day.

I'm sitting here waiting for some kind of womanly epiphany to descend upon my body (I'm picturing an ethereal glow, magically bigger boobies and a uterus that suddenly decides it's tired of killing babies), but so far, nothing. I am, however, talking to my ovaries and uterus like I'm a high school basketball coach for the losing team at halftime. "Come on, girls! You can do it! Make a good, quality eggy. Uterus, you get in there and start growing a nice thick lining. We can win! It's not over till it's over!"

The insanity that this mess has brought into my life - I don't think I've ever had a conversation with an organ before.

In adoption news: our trip to get the ball rolling is in 2.5 weeks. Holy crap. I want to do the happy dance every time I think about it, but then reality smacks me in the face: We have a TON of work on the house to do, and we really don't know how we're going to finance this right now. Our original plan was to scrape together all of our savings, etc, and then ask Hubby's folks for a loan to cover the rest. I don't know if it's going to go down like that, because they've been tough to deal with lately. Hubby's dad has been okay - he's usually quite understanding and non judgemental about this shit. Hubby's mom - well, she's another story. When we told her a couple of weeks ago about our latest loss, she basically said that this is god's plan for us and we should accept it. I call bullshit - if there is a god, and he/she/it really wants us to adopt, I think there's a better way to go about it than to have us experience loss after loss, heartbreak after heartbreak. A vision or something, perhaps? A booming voice declaring that we should pursue adoption full force? What kind of god wants people to suffer like we have?

She also made a point of pulling Hubby aside at the party for his niece and saying that she "hopes we can get over this." Ugh.

Speaking of the party, Hubby has declared that it was a good thing I didn't go, because he was reduced to stifling the desire to punch family members in the face as they went around declaring PIG a "miracle baby" and other such crap. Had I been there, I'd have sat in the corner crying, or downing a bottle of wine. I did cry while he was gone, but alone in my house with the curtains drawn and shitty tv on, just the way it should be.


  1. 1 pill down only 3 or 4 more to go, right? Wow, how many MG are you on of folic acid I take a hundred times the recommended dose (by prescription only) and I don't take ten. You need a better pharmacy!
    You are going to get a good egg this month AND things are going to work out with adoption!! It's hard to be optimistic I know.
    Your MIL needs to get a grip.

  2. I loved Clomid. It made me so relaxed... Hope this cycle is IT for you!
    Kick your MIL in the shin.

  3. I've been struggling with the same thoughts about why this struggle has to be this painful, even if it's for some greater purpose not yet in my view.

    Best of luck with the Clomid! I suspect I will be joining its club in the near future.

  4. I have to tell you that I'm almost jealous that you get to start your Clomid already! I'm certainly not jealous of six miscarriages, but I'm still waiting for my freaking period. I'll be interested to see how the Clomid affects you, since I'll be going on it the next cycle that we try.

    I'm sorry your mother-in-law is so clueless. At this point, maybe you could give a book to her as "suggested reading" that talks about the emotional aspects of miscarriages and "what not to say."

    I've always found crying alone in the dark to be awesome. Especially after a few glasses of wine.

    My word verification was wingsluv... Hmmm... angels... wings... love... Hmmm.

  5. I agree with LuckyOnce... I always think the best cries are the ones where you can curl up in a corner and just get it all out.

    Would it be odd if a bunch of stangers were cheering for your uterus as well?

  6. Oh clueless MILs. Do they have some special club? I swear my MIL is part of it. I wish someone would write a book called the "MIL guide to IF: For those who fertility came easily."

    Stopping by for an ICLW visit...
    No. 95: The Unfair Struggle (male-factor infertility, good friends, neighborhood rumblings)

  7. IF is very painful, and till the very end, we are unsure if it is a battle won, or a battle that would remain for the rest of our lives.

    I want this cycle to work out for you, and the adoption to come through..whatever completes the family....

    MILs...I better not say anything.


  8. MIL's suck! My is just like that, just accept it, it's God's plan/will. BS! I hope the clomid jump starts things for you this month. Are you taking any progesterone after you ovulate? Keep us posted on the adoption stuff, I might be taking that route in the coming months if things don't turn around.

    I'll be cheering for your uterus too! I sometimes do that for mine. :)

  9. Good work swallowing that all important pill! You're on your way. I'm hoping beyond hope that this cycle is IT for you and your hubby.
    BTW, I think he should have punched a few family members. I hate dealing with those kind of comments. It's hurtful and insulting.

  10. I will be starting Clomid after my next cycle. I will be watching how everything goes! Good luck. I also give pep talks to my ovaries and uterus. Around O time its to the ovaries and just last night I was speaking to the uterus asking it to welcome a little fertilized egg if it swims by!!!

  11. Ah, the old "god's plan" line. So sorry. I got in an argument with my mom (while in the throes of IF torture) about whether or not god was actually in control of the'd have to know my mom, not the person who can really "argue" about god.

    I agree about the crying, btw. Definitely not at some crap party with the in-laws looking on. Sounds horrid.

    Yay for pill-taking bravery.

  12. "I don't think I've ever had a conversation with an organ before"

    This cracks me up.