Sunday, July 5, 2009

little knives

Today, I feel like a barren old hag.

I've been on one hell of an emotional roller coaster lately, and really all I can do is observe and report. I feel like I have no control over inner workings - I am just a passenger here.

Yes, we are still thrilled to be finally moving forward with adoption. No, adoption is not some magical cure for my grief. We always planned on adding to our family through adoption, regardless of my failure as a woman. I'm still going to start clomid next cycle, but really I've lost all faith that we'll be able to produce our own spawn.

The final push to this long downward roll came when I learned last week that Hubby's brother, along with his wife and new baby (AKA PIG), will be visiting in two weeks. Hubby's parents are planning a big to-do, so the whole family can meet the baby, the first grandchild. Or, more accurately, the first grandchild to survive pregnancy, but whatever - it's not as if they ever acknowledge our losses.

Enter old hag.

I felt physically ill at the thought of having to spend time in the company of fertiles and young children and babies. My heart started racing. I started sweating and felt nauseous and immediately weighed down like someone had placed an iron yoke around my neck. It's been there ever since.

My mind ran to the crazy - how can I get out of showing up? Can I break my leg? Get hit by a car? Stick a pencil in my eye? Perhaps I can manage to get bit by an animal at work that day. I have to do something, though - I do think I might actually have a breakdown if I'm forced to go. I'm too raw right now. I can't bring myself to hear everyone ruminate on who the baby resembles, or to see Hubby holding his niece and being tender and sweet. Little knives, right to my heart. What kind of person reacts this way to such a wonderful family event? A fucking horrible barren old hag, to be sure.

The timing of the party will be horrendous in another way. My body - my crazy, crazy body - is getting ready to pop out an eggy already. I find it absolutely amazing that my lady parts are always ready to go so soon after a loss. It's been less than two weeks, for Christ's sake! So, do the math, my friends: yep, that's right, I'll be having a visit from Aunt Flo that weekend, or close enough. I'll also, possibly, be on clomid for the first time and discovering the wonders that little pill will inflict. Yay.

More little knives - this time around, nobody gets it. I think the two people closest to me - mom and Hubby - are frankly sick of dealing with mood swings and weird unexpected grief moments. They think I should just suck it up and deal with it, go to the party and keep my mouth shut about my own personal hell. Or better yet - mom thinks I should, if I can't go, write a letter to BIL and his wife explaining my absence. Sure, I'll just bare my own dark soul for people I hardly know to see.

I'm ready for the next up on this ride, although I know it'll be followed far too quickly by a down.


  1. It is AMAZING how hard it seems for the people closest to us to grasp/understand how we are feeling. I completely know where you are coming from! I am headed to the in-laws this weekend to be with 10 nieces and nephews and a SIL with a baby due 6 days after our most recent loss. Needless to say I am in no way excited and am not even sure how I'm going to make it through without being rude. I'm sorry you have to deal with this so close to your recent loss.

  2. Like Dawn said, it's amazing how people don't understand! You'll have to follow your heart Wifey.

    I used to force myself to go to "baby" events to be respectful, but they only made my grief worse. I therefore made everyone else uncomfortable, and it usually took me weeks to recover. So now I kindly decline. I send a beautiful over the top gift in pretty paper & ribbons with a hand written card of congratulations. But that's it. I don't feel the need anymore to put myself through pain just to please my family or friends and keep up appearances. I don't care what they think, because if they really knew what I was going through they would protect me from these events. I don't give them the power anymore to influence my decisions. I decide for myself if I'm capable of attending or not, and if they chose to be upset it's their issue, not mine. Now that I stand up for myself, I'm starting to see a change in their reactions. I'm hearing a lot more of "good for you" from those same people who used to push me. I realize now that I had to simply take a stand, and people will come around. By taking a stand I made a sort of statement to everyone that I am not superwoman, I have feelings too and I have to look out for myself. I know by not attending I am saving everyone a day of discomfort. I've actually heard from friends that when the gift I send gets opened, the guests oooh and awww and say "isn't Christa thoughtful, she's been through so much, how amazing of her to think of you"...there are no put downs, or "how could she not come", just a heartfealt feeling of gratitude and an understanding for my absence.

    So wifey all you can do is follow your heart, and do what is right for you...not your inlaws or husband.

  3. Dawn - good luck to you this weekend. I will be sending thoughts of strength your way :)

    Christa - sounds like you have a wonderful group of friends and family! Good for you for sticking up for yourself! I've had a really hard time being open about our struggles, and I think that is part of the reason I have such a hard time sticking up for myself. But the people who need to know, know, and should understand.

    I'm learning, though. Thanks for being a good example!

  4. Darlin,

    I never said to suck it up. I told you you don't have to go to the party --screw them.

    I did say that you should make a decision and stop dreading the party, cause you're making yourself more miserable. you can't control your feelings about all of this, nor is it healthy to try, but you have to go easy on yourself. Stop beating yourself up over your feelings. Please?

  5. That's why I love you. Maybe you were speaking greek (or geek, haha) the other day because I heard something completely different.
    See ya later.

  6. "Today, I feel like a barren old hag." This made me seriously chuckle out loud, for it's gritty and truthful humor. I know - people do seem to get sick of the little grief moments. Wish they didn't. Then again, maybe they don't - maybe it's all in my head. Hang in there!

  7. Yay Hubby! What a sweet man you are!

    Thanks Wifey, I do my best. It's taken two years of making mistakes for me to come to this just takes time. It's ok to say no, it's ok to be sad, it's ok to just be...and I've just learned it's ok to ask for help, so please don't beat yourself up...and if you are beating yourself up like I am still, don't be afraid to reach out for some professional help.

  8. Sounds like you do have a great hubby. :)

    It stinks that this party is following your miscarriage so closely. I can understand why your Mom thinks your SIL and family might be disappointed if you don't go, but you definitely need to do what's right for you.

    I know just what you mean about nobody understanding. I feel like the more and more losses, the fewer people get it - or even attempt to get it. *hugs*