funk

I'm in a funk. It scares the shit out of me - I've come so far in the last few months thanks to Big Pharma and therapy and hubby. The creeping constant tears, the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness - I am reminded not only of what I long for and can't have, but also of the years I lived existed so far down in the darkness.

And when I feel like this, the world just seems too sad to bear: the Tucson tragedy and Christina Green, the rough time my brother is having right now, my older cat who has taken a sudden and likely very not good turn for the worse, the floods in Australia (and that brave boy who sacrificed himself so that his brother could be saved). It is just too much.

(My rational brain says "Duh! It's PMS! Happens every month! You'll be fine." Despite her assurances I feel like I'm on a precipice, on the edge of another major depressive episode.)

Of course, while I'm writing this, this song came on. I know he's not writing about my life, but man do his words hit close to home:

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts

I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down



I tried so very hard not to lose it

I came up with a million excuses

I thought, I thought of every possibility


And I know someday that it'll all turn out

You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get


I just haven't met you yet


I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life


And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

 And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet


They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united


And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility


And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get


Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet


I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get


I said love, love, love, love

Love, love, love, love
(I just haven't met you yet)
Love, love, love, love
Love, love


I just haven't met you yet


This mood I'm in, this day, calls for two hours of sweating my ass off in the gym tonight, followed by a bottle of wine and a good hard ugly cry. Maybe I can all of these tears out all at once.