I have a friend, K, that I have known since we were four years old. We used to be supa dupa tight - we lived in the same shitty housing projects. We went to the same schools through high school. We know all of each other's dark family secrets (I think she might have been there the day my dad threw a chicken - fully cooked - out of our second floor window. Or at least she saw the aftermath). We got chicken pox together and stayed home from school together, watching scary movies. I went with her on her overnight weekend visits to her dad's because she couldn't stand to deal with him and his new family alone. She's been to the funerals of every family member of mine who has passed. etc, etc. We were two girls from unstable homes who leaned on each other and forgot our troubles with barbies, and later, boys and booze. She's the closest thing to a best (female) friend I've ever had.
I don't really think we're friends anymore.
What happened? She married a guy I think isn't good enough for her because she was knocked up. We started trying to have a baby and I started having miscarriages. We moved away. She had another baby, her loser husband lost his job and they planned (!) another pregnancy. He is still unemployed, and she's about to give birth. They are struggling financially, and they planned (!) this baby. And got pregnant, no problem. Had a worry free pregnancy.
I am a bad friend. I am resentful and judgemental, and I have lost my ability to relate to people who can reproduce without medical help, who can plan (!) a baby when they probably shouldn't, and are overwhelmed with the two they have. I cannot talk to her without wanting to cry and pull my hair out. It took all of my strength to send her a message on FB wishing her luck with the upcoming birth.
I think I will be bitter and alone (save for Hubby, who really doesn't deserve any of this bullshit) forever. My lighthearted, funny, witty, laughing self has been drowned lately. I hope she comes back soon. I miss seeing the world through her eyes.