Thursday, October 29, 2009

bad friend

I have a friend, K, that I have known since we were four years old. We used to be supa dupa tight - we lived in the same shitty housing projects. We went to the same schools through high school. We know all of each other's dark family secrets (I think she might have been there the day my dad threw a chicken - fully cooked - out of our second floor window. Or at least she saw the aftermath). We got chicken pox together and stayed home from school together, watching scary movies. I went with her on her overnight weekend visits to her dad's because she couldn't stand to deal with him and his new family alone. She's been to the funerals of every family member of mine who has passed. etc, etc. We were two girls from unstable homes who leaned on each other and forgot our troubles with barbies, and later, boys and booze. She's the closest thing to a best (female) friend I've ever had.

I don't really think we're friends anymore.

What happened? She married a guy I think isn't good enough for her because she was knocked up. We started trying to have a baby and I started having miscarriages. We moved away. She had another baby, her loser husband lost his job and they planned (!) another pregnancy. He is still unemployed, and she's about to give birth. They are struggling financially, and they planned (!) this baby. And got pregnant, no problem. Had a worry free pregnancy.

I am a bad friend. I am resentful and judgemental, and I have lost my ability to relate to people who can reproduce without medical help, who can plan (!) a baby when they probably shouldn't, and are overwhelmed with the two they have. I cannot talk to her without wanting to cry and pull my hair out. It took all of my strength to send her a message on FB wishing her luck with the upcoming birth.

I think I will be bitter and alone (save for Hubby, who really doesn't deserve any of this bullshit) forever. My lighthearted, funny, witty, laughing self has been drowned lately. I hope she comes back soon. I miss seeing the world through her eyes.


  1. I know how you feel, and it sucks! And it sounds like your friend has made some stupid decisions. I hope your lighthearted self makes a comeback!

  2. "My lighthearted, funny, witty, laughing self has been drowned lately." I feel the same way, and I hate it.

    I completely understand why you feel the way you feel about your friend. It's hard to watch other people you love make bad decision, regardless of what the decisions are about.

  3. I have felt the same way about friends myself. I've even felt that way about my niece who has had 3 kids doesn't really pay any attention to any of them.
    My best friend went through years of treatments and now has two kids but she even felt that way towards me when I got pregnant easily. We talked about if after I lost that one and last night she talked me through the heartache of finding out we just lost this second pregnancy too.
    Oh and working in a super fertile office doesn't help either.

  4. First off, I never liked your friend K. She is a lousy person and in the time we have been married, she has never once been there for you. She has leaned on you a TON, and because you are such a kind person, you never asked for anything in return. I think that this has been a one-sided friendship for a while.
    her husband is a major D-bag and nothing resembling a man. Period. What kind of scum bag posts nasty messages about his mother-in-law (on facebook no less), while she is supporting his family with child care and money (so he can go get drunk at Yankee games)? that's all the time I will waste on that pile of refuse.

    She has made terrible choices and because of her family situation, has not had to deal with the consequences. I feel truly sorry for those children. they should eclipse their parents' maturity by their teens.

    It isn't fair. It sucks, it makes me furious that theese two will have three children that they can't care for properly. it makes me wish I had kicked his drunken ass up between his shoulder blades at that wedding.

    I love you. I cherish you. I think you should let K slip into the past. let that friendship be a happy memory, else that selfish bitch will just suck more of your happiness away.

    My two cents, for what it's worth.

  5. PS: you're not the bad friend, in case you couldn't tell from my comments.

  6. AWE, your husband is such an angel! I just lost my best friend and it took me a long time not to blame myself because I thought it was me being resentful but my dear husband also told me pretty much the exact same thing your husband said. My friend was a taker and not a giver and it isn't fair for her to always take from you. She should show you the love, respect and friendship you show her! Like your husband said, cherish the memories and move on...

  7. "My lighthearted, funny, witty, laughing self has been drowned lately." I couldn't have said these words better myself about how I feel after my third loss. The depths of my despair just keep getting more and more impossible to deal with. I, too, have friendships who are suffering as a result. I'm judgemental and bitter.

    I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone and what you're feeling doesn't make you a bad person. (((HUGS))) I hope in time, your friendship can mend.

  8. I'm feeling the saaaaaame way right now. I'm so sorry, ugh THAT SUCKS!!!!

    And that's all I can say.

  9. Hubby is right. Let your friend go...

    Your happy lighthearted self will be back. It's just gonna take some time. You've been through a lot. How about focussing on you for a while - do something to spoil yourself, do something you like doing...


  10. I agree. Let her go... for now. You have such a shared history with her that you might want to reconnect later on, but for now do what you have to do for yourself. It's not being a bad friend, it's taking care of you.

  11. We bring our friends along with us on our journey, and once they can no longer walk with us, we need to let them go. Surround yourself with people who bring positive energy and love into your world, and make your decisions from that place of intent. She may come back, or she may not. Perhaps, letting go of her will leave space for somebody new.

    Sending you positive thoughts, peace, and hope.