Thursday, October 22, 2009


At this very moment, I am numb, which is okay by me. I keep expecting to wake up and discover that the last very nearly four years have been some crazy nightmare.

Over the last week, I've been all over the place emotionally: hopeful, sad, despondent, guilty, and overwhelmingly angry. I am not naive enough to think that just by wanting this so badly, we'll be guaranteed a happy ending. It pisses me off.

I do want this, though. I want to try, at least once more, and then IVF if we can. This determination to keep plugging along has me questioning my sanity.

I'm going to wake up soon, right?


  1. I know just what you mean. I feel like my posts sometimes make me look like I'm bi-polar. One day I'll be all suzy-sunshine, and the next day I'll be convinced that the world is ending and I'm never having another baby. (Obviously in "real life" my moods change more gradually, but when I'm not posting on a daily basis, I'm sure it can seem sudden.)

    I hope and pray that the doctors will figure out what the heck is going on with you and they'll be able to fix it.

  2. oh honey, I know what you are feeling. Don't question your sanity. I know the feeling of wanting a baby so bad and willing to do anything and trying everything-look at the crazy diet I'm doing, lol. I think you guys have a good game plan!

  3. There is nothing sane about this journey. All you can do is make the decision that feels right to you in that moment. My heart is breaking for you and your husband. I wish so much that this wasn't happening to you. You will wake from this nightmare, and you will be stronger. Just hold on a little longer.