Monday, October 12, 2009

the waiting game

Beta #1: a thoroughly unimpressive 17. I have been spotting, off and on (mostly on) since yesterday. There is a tiny flicker of hope in my heart - amazing, huh? - but I feel as if the writing is on the wall. Only time will tell.

I keep trying to tell myself to stay positive, because even if I do lose this one too, this baby deserves a happy home for whatever time it has left before the utesaurus rears it's ugly head. I am struggling. I took the day off today to process (um, cry at will). I did not have the strength to lift the mask of my public persona, and hold it in place all day. Surely, I would have been crushed to rubble beneath it.

I have so much that I want to write, but I cannot right now. I am still processing, still considering where my path will lead if this pregnancy fails. The critters await feeding time (yeah, I get to take care of my in-law's dog - in addition to my own two - this week, while they are travelling to visit their living grandchild, and I am most likely miscarrying. Good times). Laundry must be done, the kitchen cleaned. Life goes on, even when the thrill of living is gone.

Wednesday cannot come quickly enough.

Oh, and thank you all for the kind comments after my last post. You truly have no idea how much they mean to me, you "strangers". Thank you all.

14 comments:

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  2. Sorry, I pressed enter after typing only one word.

    I know we are not all the same but I have this wonderful girl on my blog who is pregnant and her beta was a 9 (your's is almost double what hers was, lol, I'm sure you can do math) and now she is almost 14 weeks pregnant. You may never know...this baby might actually surprise you and stick around for 9 months! I'm praying for him or her. I truly hope all your dreams come true.

    babyparamore.blogspot.com

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  3. I understand 150% how you feel right now. Here for you.

    Crossing everything and praying everything goes the right way this time.

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  4. I love the story Jess has. I'll be thinking about you and sending some hope your way. Come on Wednesday!

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  5. I'm so over the miscarriage thing for you. I can't really imagine what you're going through. I can only lend you my shoulder and hope that you won't need it...

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  6. Yes, we most definately are in the same spot. Man, this sucks! There is nothing worse than feeling helpless to protect what you want the most.

    Sending positive vibes, and prayers your way. I hope Wednesday brings a miracle for both of us.

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  7. here after some clicking around on LCFA. sending you good beta energy too (I came from Meim's blog). Jess's story is great, and Melody added another one to Meim's blog, so there is hope!

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  8. Thinking of you today. I hope your wait will yield positive results. Though your hubby is out of town i hope there's someone you can have over, or go out with today to be with you. - LFCA

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  9. Wishing you doubling numbers. If they don't come, know you are not alone even when it feels like the universe is conspiring against you.

    LFCA

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  10. praying that you get good news!
    LFCA

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  11. Fuck. I'm so very very sorry. I try to make sense of IF but the more blogs I read the less sense it makes.

    The one's who deserve to be Mum's struggle and yet the ones who really shouldn't be Mum's get knocked up by looking at their partners.

    Life sucks.

    xxx

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  12. Freaking beta numbers! Wishing you all kinds of good things!

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  13. Here from LFCA -

    I'll be praying that your numbers double!

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  14. Hello, I found your blog through LFCA and just wanted to say that I'm sending you major doubling vibes!!!

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