Thursday, November 4, 2010

And the winner is...

Aunt Flo!

I have never been so happy to see that red headed bitch show up. Alas, I had to reschedule my appointment because we were going to do a pap. I'm a little bummed - I had lots of things I wanted to discuss, and now I've got to wait two more weeks. Another 2ww - I've had enough of those for a bit, I think.


In other (non) news, the up and down cycle of my mood persists. The high of our anonymous donor still makes me smile, but I'm definitely on a down swing of the pendulum. It makes it hard to enjoy the high moments - I know the down is just around the corner. I'm hoping this down is just my usual period-related depression, and that it'll lift soon.

I don't know. I feel very alone these days. Hubby and I had a serious fight Friday night - bad enough that I thought the neighbors might call the cops (oops) - and I seriously thought about getting in the car with my dog and driving 18 hours to be with my family. I have no one here - no one - to whom I could go in a situation like that. I have no one I could even call at that hour to talk it out with. I sat in the car in the driveway, my pooch licking my ear from the backseat to get the tears, and then we went back inside, since I had had a few tequilas, and upon further reflection, driving seemed like a very bad idea.

I've realized that alcohol, under any circumstances, is a bad idea for me right now. It just complicates things, and I need to get my head straight before I complicate things any more.

Anyway, since then I've felt so alone. I rely too much on Hubby to be my everything - best friend, confidante, lover, soul mate. But when we hit a rough patch, and things between us feel disjointed, I am faced with overwhelming loneliness. Right now, he doesn't get me at all (and our therapist warned us that this could happen - working on issues causes other issues and emotions to bubble up). He's accused me of causing us to lose friends, and while there may be some truth in that, it's also true that my "friends" know what we've been through (for the most part) and do not reach out to me. When they have babies, they are flooded with love and calls and well wishes; their ability to procreate is a bonding experience for them. It seems like I am shunned because of my dead babies and my sadness; I want to scream at them that miscarriage is not contagious, that I can still be witty and fun to be around, when people want to be around me. I get no phone calls, emails, cards or even fb messages.

I know that I need to make new friends. I have no idea how, though. It's always been so easy for me to connect with other people, to find things to bond over. Now, I feel as if I am a piece of warped wood in a pile of straight boards. I just don't fit.


  1. oh man, wifey. i just want to reach out and wrap my arms around you. i truly wish there was something i could do to help you through this difficult time...

  2. Sorry for the rough night on top of everything else (*hugs*) I don't know how to make friend either, other than finding an activity you like and finding a social variant of it. Like a hobby class, or going to a park, etc... I'm not very good at making friends. I'm an introvert by nature, and I really do alienate people since the losses and everything I've been through. It's really hard, and it does often feel like people are shunning you. And it sucks.

  3. I can relate to a lot of this, especially feeling alone. I recently made some friends through a Resolve support group - maybe you could check to see if there are any in your area? Other than that I'm bad at finding ways to meet friends too. It's a lot harder than it was when we were kids. I hope things get better for you.

  4. Is there a support group in your area? There wasn't in mine and I've been trying to get one going. It's a long hard process but it's worth it. Look into that. Sending you hugs.

    I also agree taking a fun class might help you meet new people. Something like pottery maybe?

  5. There is a support group, but it is held in a church that I have deep ideological issues. And while I know that the group has nothing to do with the church, I made a solemn vow never to step foot in it.

    Classes would be fun, but in the winter we have logistical problems - hubby rides a motorcycle to work in the summer and takes the car in the winter, which means that I walk in the winter. Maybe I can find something within walking distance though. I'll have to look into that.

    Thanks for not making me feel crazy, ladies.

  6. I've been going through a lot myself so I don't have answers or advice but I will keep u in my thoughts and prayers, I mean it. HUGS

  7. just thinking of you. the whole life-after-loss thing is extremely polarizing. i find that even when people do reach out i find myself pulling away. i just want to surround myself with people who get it, or those who have been there. i wonder if it will always be this way. where do you live? im in NJ and im assuming we are far apart because you are someone i would certainly love to meet! and thats just how things work in our lives!
    glad(?) AF showed up and im hoping you can get some answers and a preg that sticks soon. have you had testing done? i will have to comb your archives.

  8. Sorry that you and Hubby are having such a hard time. I wish you were just a phone call away too. I know I've said this heaps of times, but seriously, email me whenever you need!
    I know it is hard to make friends, I'm the same and don't even have the time to go somewhere regularly where I'd meet new people. But you are NOT alone. (((HUGE HUGS)))