Tuesday, November 9, 2010

my so-called life

I keep being told that I need to find a way to cope with the fact people in my life will continue to get pregnant and have babies.

My therapist tells me. So does my husband. My mother-in-law. Even my inner voice contributes to the litany.

I shouldn't constantly avoid people, I've been told. I shouldn't lock myself away in the safety of my own home because, dammit, that's life, and I have to live it.

I know how to cope: I just need to get knocked up - just once -with a baby that my stupid defective body won't kill. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right?

Apparently, this is not an acceptable response to anyone. I've been told that I need to accept that it just might not happen, because, really, an eight time loser can't really expect to break the streak with a win.

And I say FUCK 'EM. (Remember that scene in Legends of the Fall when the Hopkins character - recovering from a stroke - says "Fuck em" in his slurred speech, after - or maybe before, I can't quite remember - heroically defending his family? That's how I say it, anytime I have occasion to. I don't know why, or why I felt the need to share that particular craziness here. But, for authenticity's sake, imagine me saying it just like him, only I'm not holding a shotgun.)

I have come too far down this road to turn around now. I need to follow it to the end, wherever that may be. There are things we haven't tried; there is hope for me, even if I'm the only one to see it. I'm too damned stubborn for my own good, perhaps. But isn't that what we are all taught as children? We are told to follow our dreams, to fight for what we want, to try try again in the face of failure, that we all have the potential to be whatever it is that we want to be in life.

It's the American way.

Unless, of course, you happen to be semi-fertile, and what you want is to carry a pregnancy to term and look into your baby's eyes for the first time and fall in love. To feel his kicks in your belly and to push him out when the time comes; to smell his sweet smell and finally have him here to fill your empty arms after all of this waiting and heartbreak .

Then, you are told that you need to find a new dream. You are told that really, you should spend Christmas with the family and your very pregnant sister-in-law and you shouldn't have a panic attack, watching her and her fat belly care for a toddler; it shouldn't bother you to watch the family fawn over her - the giver of life - knowing that no one even gives a flying rat's ass about the fact that you - the giver of death - just lost another one. You shouldn't think about how she will have conceived and given birth to two children in less than half the time it has taken you to give death to eight. And really, you shouldn't cry about it at all because, dammit, that's life, and you have to live it.



  1. Ohhh...I'm so sorry, and I so get this. In my completely non-professional and highly biased opinion, I think it's just fine for you to avoid pregnant ladies as much as you are able to. Don't spend Christmas with your SIL--I wouldn't the able to stand that either! Maybe a holiday getaway with hubby? You are perfectly justified in feeling how you feel and expressing your pain and taking care of yourself in whatever way you need to do that. Hugs to you

  2. Oh sweetie, I hate that you're hurting and have to spend Xmas around someone who will just make you miserable. I agree with Willow-is there any way you can get out of it? Personally, on the other issue, I have to agree. If you want this THAT BAD, then you shouldn't give up. You deserve to get the happy ending after all this time and I agree there are things you haven't tried. Whichever path you choose I will always be here for you cos you have a special place in my heart.

  3. I say screw them.

    I read about a woman that had 22 miscarriages and then gave birth to a healthy baby with no intervention at all. Not of course that Im thinking you would or should have 22 losses, but the point is, YOU are unique.

    Your beliefs and your limits are YOURS and no one else (in my opinion) has the right or the capacity to understand and give you an opinion on when that is. (and frankly I think its obnoxious of them to say so)

    What if this woman had given up at 21? Im not suggesting we all do this (I am a 4 x loser myself) but that's the point. EVERYONE - docs, psychs, friends, family would have said, LET IT GO, GIVE UP, MOVE ON... and she didnt. And screw them if she didnt get the pink, sweet-smelling bundle of joy. Screw them if she didnt get her miracle. And thats the thing about miracles. They aren't living in a vending machine. They dont run out...we just have to wait our turn. And of course those miracles dont always come in the shape and manner we envision them...but they are miracles all the same.

    So avoid the sis in law like the plaque, feel pissed at the people and their opinions, and make decisions for and about you and your partner and screw the rest of the world. What do they know anyhow?

    Im sending some miracle vibes your way, god knows we all deserve them. x

  4. Fuck 'em indeed.

    That is life, and you do have to live it. And right now, you ARE living your life the way you need to. Would they rather you punch SIL in her pregnant, life-giving and magical belly? (I joke, I joke. Mostly.)

  5. Also, the little code thingy-do I had to type in to post my comment was "chingles" which is one letter off from "chingales" which means "fuck 'em" in Mexican slang. I think it's a sign that the gods agree.

  6. Yes Fuck 'em! One Christmas w/o that reminder in your face is worth your sanity and mental well being, and if they don't get that then FUCK THEM.

  7. I echo the same sentiments- fuck em. I agree that you are perfectly justified in skipping Christmas altogther if you want to. I did last year and I'm a two time loser. Follow your dreams! Fight for what you want! And in the process fight for you and your right to be pissed and grief-stricken and avoid the outside world whenever you need to!
    I feel so passionate about all that you wrote in this post, I wish I could shout it from the roof tops for you!

  8. Love this post. Love the words. I vow to use them at least once a year: Fuck 'em indeed. Do not give up until you are ready to give up. And when you do give up, find another way to pursue what you want, and still go on. As for the SIL, see my post on Tourette's sydrome: "pregnant cow". Not us, of course, we will be pregnant magical beings he he he.

  9. "it shouldn't bother you to watch the family fawn over her - the giver of life - knowing that no one even gives a flying rat's ass about the fact that you - the giver of death - just lost another one."

    I almost cried when I read this.

    Fuck 'em all. Just fuck 'em all.

  10. I loved your post. I'm a four time loser myself. We lost them all within 14 months.We've been trying for over a year for pregnancy number 5. My SIL has two babies in 18 months. One was born the day before my first died and her second was born 10 after by third was due. My MIL came for a visit this summer and mention their names at least very 10 minutes for 5 days. I told them last Christmas we weren't coming because it was too hard when we couldn't have a family of our own. Take a hint lady!!! We became foster parents after the third loss. Now we have four foster kids under the age of 4 and we NEVER have to go across country for Christmas again...that will show MIL!!!