Thursday, November 25, 2010

drama drama, call your mama

We've been hoodwinked. I suppose you need a bit of backstory, so read on.

After my latest pregnancy FAIL, which occurred a few weeks after we learned that Hubby's SIL is expecting again (timing is everything, huh?) we told his parents that they shouldn't expect us around for Christmas. I knew that she would be a huge fat preggo at that point, and that, combined with all of my other loss and IF related holiday anxiety, multiplied by the in-laws' giddiness at having the whole family together - even the new grandchild to be - was just too much to bear. We told them several times that Christmas is hard for us, that our family will never feel whole and that this year we needed to spend it alone.

At first, they accepted it. But then, slowly, as the weeks began to pass, my MIL started laying on the subtle hints, and the guilt.

"We're going to get those gluten free crackers you love for Christmas," she says.

"Christmas is going to be so wonderful this year!" she says.

"This could be my last Christmas," she says (even though her health is pretty darned good).

"This could be Grandma's last Christmas," she says.

"This could be Grandpa's last Christmas," she says.

"It's been so long since we had the whole family together for Christmas," she says.

And then she cries.

Hubby cannot stand when his mother cries, because she uses tears as manipulation, and so her tears inevitably start us toward an argument of some sort. Divide and conquer; it's what she does best.

Despite our internal commotion, we have presented a united front to them and repeatedly said no, we're not coming this year, it's just going to be too hard.

So for Thanksgiving, MIL and FIL decided that they were going to go see BIL, SIL and grandchild (and grandchild to be), who live a few hours away. They left their dog with us earlier this week, and took off, but not before making Hubby promise that, no matter what, we'd make it to both family Thanksgiving dinners (one at Grandma's, one at his cool aunt and uncle's). I thought it'd be fine because there would be no babies/preggos in sight at either affair.

And then, last night Hubby got a text from his dad that said "Great news! We're bringing BIL, SIL and grandchild back with us for Thanksgiving!"


We had already committed to going to both dinners, and couldn't back out last minute. His family loves the drama, you know? After the demise of the Ocho, which occurred on a Tuesday, I didn't feel like leaving the house for about a week. That weekend I bowed out of lunch with his Grandma, who knew about Dead Dog Dead Baby Day and yet still insisted that the only reason I didn't show up was because I hate her. Drama drama.

Anyway, we both feel like the whole thing was a set up to get us to both events despite the presence of BIL and huge preggo SIL. They know that we (well, I, at least) would never have gone had we known in advance that they would be there.

We had Part 1, at Grandma's, already. Predictably, it sucked. The only thing anyone wanted to talk about was the grandchild and the soon to be grandchild. We exited as soon as was polite.

Part 2 will be upon us soon. I am trying to avoid an anxiety attack by repeating "Serenity now. Serenity now. Serenity now."

I feel really disrespected by all of this. I don't expect anyone who hasn't walked this road to understand one ounce of what we've gone through, but I do expect people to respect our wishes and feelings when we make them clear. And we sure did make it clear that we didn't want to spend any of this holiday season around a huge fat preggo.

We love BIL and SIL, we really do. Things are just too raw right now, you know? Plus, I don't feel comfortable enough around any of his family to cry or scream or run out of the room if I feel like I need to. Right now, home is the safest place for me.

And I must get ready to leave it and face the evil in-laws over the carcass of yet another dead bird.

Fuck serenity. I need lorazepam now!


  1. Wow. Your ILs are vile people.

  2. You know what? This is ridiculous. Your ILs clearly don't respect both of your wishes and how you feel, at all. Hell, after all that you've gone through you STILL have to explain to these people why it's painful? WTF??

    You and your hubs are perfectly within your rights to back out. You've already said, repeatedly, that you aren't comfortable and have articulated why. They then lay this guilt trip on your about it being their last Christmas, blah blah blah. Because they couldn't get what they wanted, they turned the whole thing upside down and are bringing them back??

    Stay home. Please. This is just completely heartless and cruel.

  3. Ok This is TOTALLY a set up from where I am sitting, and what I do with selfish inlaws in a situation like this is not give them what they want.

    You have to be in pain so they get to fulfill THEIR desires with no thought whatsoever to what it costs you emotionally?

    This disgusts me, this is what family should NOT be, family should be the people who nurture, support, care, protect you. They should be the ones DEFENDING you against grandmas absurd allegations, not planning behind your back... I could go on. I'm SO MAD for you.

    You should be at home, or wherever else you want to be, feeling safe, and unbroken and not violated. That's what this seems like to me, a violation of your person, your needs, your emotions.

    I would send hubby to have a VERY strong talk with his family over all this with a pretty strong warning that if anything else like this happens again, it will cost them something very important. (not sure what that would be of course, but surely they have a currency that matters to them?)

    I hope, hope, hope this is not a terrible part 2 for you and that you get home soon. So sorry that people are shitty. I am praying like mad for you. x

  4. I really need to apologize for my previous comment. I'm just so upset for you. I'm upset that, after having to deal with RPL (as if that isn't bad enough) that we have to try to explain to people why it's painful and then still don't get it.

    (((HUGS))) Perhaps some good drinks will help the day go better.

  5. (((((hugs))))) I'm sorry they didn't respect your wishes. Stand your ground for christmas, DH and I decided to celebrate in our home as a family of 2 this year and I feel like family keeps laying on the guilt.

  6. Argh!!! So annoying! My first Christmas after I lost Mikayla (stillbirth), I totally enforced that we weren't going any where. So on the big day we went to a movie and ate Kit Kat and Popcorn for dinner. It was definitely what we needed.

    The 'other side' just doesn't get it. I hate it when they guilt trip and just don't respect what you are saying you need.

    Stand your ground at Christmas. Have DH lay the boots to them if they get preachy.

    Sorry you have to go through this. I've soooooo been there. Drink up and come back and bitch. We'll be right here!!!

  7. I have been in your shoes, and I hate the feeling of being stuck in a catch-22. If you don't go, you're the bitch who ruined Thanksgiving, but if you do go, it's mental and emotional torture that you clearly stated you were trying to aviod. (And shouldn't have to submit to for anyone!)

    The selfishness of others never fails to amaze me. I say you give your MIL a taste of her own medicine. Lay some guilt on her! See how she likes it.

    I hope you are gentle to yourself in the coming days, and were able to survive the "Thanks"giving. I hope your Christmas is MUCH better.

  8. I wish you could just send Hubby and you stay home. I have serious IL issues as well but haven't ever really been put in this situation. I am so sorry you have been forced to attend when you are in so much pain. Either a) you leave early or b) get seriously drugged.
    BTW thanks for putting up that post about faces of loss, faces of hope, I visited the site, it is so amazing.
    Take care, I am thinking of you :)

  9. This is just too much. Of course you would feel disrespected! How could they not understand why? Gah! I wish you a quiet, happy, in-law free Christmas this year. Icwl.

  10. God! I can relate...

    This year my MIL's divide and conquer worked on thanksgiving so that my DH went to the IL's and left me home alone. FUcking awesome. I didn't go because of two of my SIL's. One announced she was pregnant with her third A WEEK after I miscarried. The other announced she was pregnant with her third right after my 2nd miscarriage and the anniversary of the first miscarriage.


    I would stay home. They're going to talk about it regardless. I always felt like if I went it'd give them more shit to talk about me with.



  11. I'm just so mad for you. YOU are the ones going through a hard time. YOUR wishes should be respected. Seems like I always have my own family drama and I've learned to just do what's best for me. They might be mad at first, but they get over it. Plus when they tell me they're mad I point out that I'm mad too. It's like they're not even considering how you feel.

  12. Wow, that is some serious manipulation! I'm so sorry your ILs did that and I hope it was bearable at least ;)

  13. Wow, I'm so sorry. The holidays are hard enough without having to deal with this. I hope you either found a way out or were able to get through it ok.

  14. Funny you mention Ativan! That was the first thing I reached for after the long drive home from the inlaws yesterday. The first year of IF we didn't make it to family gatherings. We've started going again because there are no active pregnancies. Yesterday there was a family meeting to discuss children's presents for xmas so there I sat, as I buy for the kids too. Their grandma let me know that the meeting was only for moms so I was free to leave. Hope the holidays get easier for you! At least happy ativaning!

  15. I am so sorry that you're IL's aren't more sympathetic. What she did was so disrespectful and mean. I hope that you found a way through it and I hope you get the quiet, peaceful Christmas that you wish for.

    Happy ICLW!

  16. I want to slap them both for you. That MIL sounds like a prize, for sure. Keep putting your feet down and don't got to Xmas. You deserve some peace and quiet and only you and hubby can decide what is best for you - obviously the ILs don't.

  17. ugh i read this on my phone on thurs and totally forgot to come back and comment. that SUCKS so bad. people do NOT understand and you know what??? most of them don't even give us the common decency of even t r y i n g to look like they care or want to understand. i cant even imagine, i think i would have wanted to spit in their coffee or something. not that i would. but i would totally get it if you wanted to. :)
    this is going to sound weird, especially in context, but i really enjoyed your post on FoLFoH (see? kinda weird to say) because i got the chance to get to know you a little bit better, and see a pic. i love the art, maybe one day you will share some up close pics with us.
    thinking of you as we go into the holidays (blech) and thinking of your little LuLu pie.

  18. I agree with all the PPs. No offense but your ILs suck nuts. I hope things get better for you, even if its something small. ((Hugs))