Thursday, May 28, 2009

sadness smackdown

The emotional rollercoaster I'm on reminds me a little of a very special phenomenom in the veterinary world, the cuterebra. Basically, cuterebra are fly larvae that become embedded in an animal's skin. They can be difficult to treat, because they like to pop their heads in and out (Hello, world!)and hide, and they're difficult to prevent. Today, my grief cuterebra (let's call him Cutie) poked his little head out and ruined my day.

I was doing fine, even as of this morning, when I wrote about feeling glad to be empty-wombed (at least this month). But then I found out that an old friend's baby has been born, and that pesky Cutie poked his head out to say hello and remind me that, no, I am not normal/healthy/fertile at all. I want to be happy for them - she has had cancer and gone through treatment, and so this baby is a miracle baby. But all I can think about right now is how I want my own miracle, dammit. I'm so fucking sick of being happy for everyone else, or feeling guilty about not feeling happy for everyone else. I'm so fucking sick of these unexpected sadness smackdowns, just when I'm doing well. I'm so fucking sick of having the kind of life that builds character.

(Wow I just realized that I dropped a lot of f-bombs right there. Sorry.)

I wish that I could dig down deep into my brain with a nice long pair of tweezers and pull that Cutie out. And stomp on him. And crush his pasty little face.



  1. F-bomb away, nobody's gonna judge. I totally hear you and understand. I have the same bug and I hate when it rears it's ugly head. I'm actully happy to be empty-wombed lately (being summer and all)...but then wham, a baby announcement from a friend and I'm back to hating my empty womb. I'm so sick of all the guilt and non-guilt I feel...glad to know I'm not alone. ((Big Hug))

  2. sending you a big hug. I fucking hate being infertile too!

  3. Those sadness smackdowns are like body slams sometimes I think. They come out of no-where and floor you right when you think you're doing okay.
    I hope you get hit with a happiness smackdown soon!

  4. ((Hugs)) Infertility really sucks sometimes. Hang in there. You're not alone.